Our lesbian scene (and things that ought to be left behind in 2014)

Here is a question whose answer may surprise you: Who are among the leading cigarette smokers in the world? Yap. Gay people. We are weirdly cool like that. Actually, this is not new information. And if you Google and not find the same, it is still something I won’t seek correction over.

Maybe I need to bring someone on here to explain to me in elaborate lengths about the smoking trend. I understand it is refreshing to watch a woman smoking and it is sexy so ipso facto she is sexy too e.t.c.. all I am saying is I don’t get the giving in to trends vibe. I am not saying smoking is bad. You are allowed to blow up your lungs like a world war II twin engine fighter plane because damn right, they are your lungs so by all means, move forward with the same unstoppable grit. But not because every lesbian is doing it, okay? Pick your own bad habits; say smoke shisha or Marijuana (saying Marijuana in 2014 is unforgivable) for instance. Wait, lesbians are smoking those too. And that is on a normal day.

It is nothing short of miraculous that we still manage to look as wildly attractive as we do.

Now in bullet points, and not in any particular order:

  • The serial SMSers.

There are lesbians out there who can chat a good game. Which, full disclosure, is a little creepy. It is also kinda counterproductive going with our current wage bill and the price of food being what it is. Also, there is the endless internet and you feeling the need to carry the responsibility of reporting to the world every single detail of your living life. Honey, do you ever do your household chores or pee for chrissake? Honestly, you come out as an altogether not normal person.

  • Still on the interwebs. The relationship dramas.

This is, bar none, the frosting on the Kenya lesbian scene cake. It is a cutthroat competition on who gets the most likes on exposing whom they have slept with, which Kenyan celebrity is gay or not yada yada. Some dramas can only be likened to something right out of a spy novel but thing is, one hour from now no one will remember how many likes or retweets you got from all that poppytalk. If that’s even an appropriate word. Because it doesn’t seem to do it all justice. People will remember you for all the wrong reasons, ‘oh here comes the drama queen bitch’. You don’t wonna be that girl. Forgive your Ex, move on, find a new one. Preserve that energy for something else, like growing potted plants in your bedroom or whatever. Please, just move on.

  • One-beer-in-the-club-the-whole-night-in-the-name-of-partying.

This goes back to going with the trends and riding on popularity. This is how some (some being the operative word) college kids have completely torn apart the very fabric of our lesbian scene. These are the type who move in cliques and sag their jeans. No surprise there. Speaking of which, are girls still sagging their pants in 2014? Keeping up with fashion trends is amongst my many blind spots so I am no expert in fashion matters. Your dress your choice right? Right.

My point is, choose your priorities right. And maybe your number one priority right now should be to stick up your broke ass in college and read. Partying every night is fun, but is up there with a steady paycheck.

  • The enemy within.

Girls. Girls. Girls.

A certain lesbian is rocking a pink Daniel Wellington watch and you have the faux version? Let’s all roast her ass. Does she have a better blog? By all means yes crucify that bitch on the big wooden cross. Is she an academe and you can’t construct an English sentence to save your neck? Hell, bring on the barbecue. Is she skinnier than you? Prettier? What, she “snatched” the girl you have been crushing on? Honey, how many women have to be cyber bullied and suffer for you to thrive? Is it really worth it? What happened to being your sister’s keeper? The paucity of vocal queer women only means that this is a perpetual battle.

I can’t think of the right words I truly want to say on this one. I feel words going ahead without me. God, I need a coffee.

  • The “trendy” accessory that is the gay dude.

Like there isn’t enough commodification of gay men going on in the market already. Have a gay dude friend out of genuine reasons. Not just because the idea of having a cute boy with a ripped chest to tag along with you in family occasions completes your perfect ad for road to success. Everyone is human, after all.

Our yardstick should be to aim for the quality of our fellow queer women lives. It should not be about competition because you will never win. Maybe I will conclude on the list when I get back.

Meanwhile, this marks my last 2014 post. A sincere thanks to every single one of you; getting all mushy isn’t normal fodder for yours truly but I will say this with utmost honesty-it was a great blogging year for me because you were all in it and you were good to me. I love you.

I will see y’all in 2015 Inshallah.

What’s the worst that could happen?

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A Sunday.

First, I would like to apologize to my atheist readers because this post is church related. Also, it’s about God so to the rest of the religions, I pray for tolerance.

So- Newsflash!- This lesbian goes to church.

And I will tell you this for nothing, the church happens to be a good place. That is if you are into sitting at one place transfixed at a certain object for five hours straight. That is totally my thing, I happen to be the most patient person in the history of the world.

 

The above certain object happens to be the cross. Nothing to instill the fear of the Lord in your soul like the good wooden cross.

 

So this particular last Sunday came after the Valentine’s day (you know the day the town is in bloody circus?) that’s me admitting that I’m happy for everyone of you that got red flowers and undies, not. I happen to be sitting next to dad, as I always do. I’m a protestant and that means we carry our own hymns and Bibles because the millions and millions Church offerings get channeled towards our reverend, deacons and deaconesses Per Diem. The church therefore, cannot (and of course I don’t possibly see how) afford to buy the congregation the said books and so I will have to sit next to dad every Sunday so we can share. Why can’t I just buy my Bible you ask? Well, that is a very important question.

 

Most churches (this particular one is quite clear on that) are gay intolerant. Homosexuality arouses very strong passions in people, the devil is also quite clear too that he has a corner specifically set for us at his place. It’s unimaginable EVIL. But that’s beside the point. Despite everything that’s wrong with my life, I am here. The Reverend is giving us a little spiel about love, he is intoxicated by the Valentines love bug me thinks. He is referring to every love verse; this is especially a traumatic ordeal for me because sitting next to father means I get to have the huge task that is to locate for the said verses. Painstakingly, he marks every sermon with his special mark pen. Different one every Sunday, his Bible is now multicolored from years of use, and I automatically love it. You know, rainbows. I love rainbows my gentle readers.

 

What is love? Reverend says it is kind, it does not judge blah blah blah. Right, love does not judge. Now, my eyes are transfixed on the Reverend. I would love to hear him explain this one. And during one of those life’s rare coincidences, our eyes locks for a whole two seconds. My poor attempt at nonchalance ensures that I nod vigorously and together with the faithfuls, chants a big AMEN! I’d like to think it is God’s commanding presence but at that instant where our eyes lock, I think about Messiah’s second coming, I think about the lady I was checking out on our way to church, I think about my web history, I think about the gay people in Nigeria and Uganda, I think about the laptop I left unattended in my bedroom and all its lesbian porn and at the spur of the moment, I do what a good lesbian Christian would do, nothing.  You see, the church has a way of specifically loading on homosexuals’ shoulders, the sins of the rest of humanity. And they are many. But if you want to target my sexual orientation without even mentioning your nightly orgy of masturbation dear Reverend Christian, I’ll need a damnly good reason why.  

 

Love does not judge. The Reverend is unstoppable.

 

The church was built to instill good values in our hearts. Without a doubt, this is true. I don’t even question the credibility of that for one second. I don’t even justify my extreme gayism behaviors, I am a sinner dear gentle reader.  The fact that I will burn in hell is the final piece of the puzzle. But will you at least stop drumming this in my head every one second? I think the intolerance surrounding the hate for homosexuals makes a mockery of the whole Church structure. The blabber in loving your enemy is sickening mendacity and plain bigotry.

 

Why not quit church altogether you ask? I go to church to be alone with my thoughts, and for many other reasons I don’t have to necessarily explain to anybody. The Great God of the universe has not yet struck me with a sword, I WAIT. Also, I think who or who won’t burn in hell is too close to call for any fellow humanoid.

 

What would the Holy Virgin Mary do?

 

She would give unto the Lord what belongs unto the Lord. And so it is offerings time and I raise my note unto the high heavens. Praying to God that could he please remember me in his kingdom? That despite my extreme earlier mentioned behaviors; I paid the good Reverend to spread the gospel. It’s not for me to question what he does at night under his duvet.

 

Unrelatedly, on my way out I run into the lady I was checking out earlier on our way to church. This is definitely a sign. Do you know how to interpret dreams and signs my gentle reader? Neither do I.

 

Go ye in peace.

 

 

How to live with a bisexual woman.

 

She is absolutely charming (pregnant pause).

Let’s explore the world of the bisexual woman.
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She has many enemies this one, she is like the bat we say, she is neither here nor there. She is the type of woman who annoys people without meaning to.

I will tell you why.

Maybe I should start with some figures. Can’t remember where I read this but it’s out there in the interwebs. 50% of the population is exclusively heterosexual throughout it’s adult life, 4% of the population is exclusively homosexual throughout it’s life, and you wonder where is the rest of the 46%, alas and alack, the bisexuals! Now, I don’t quite believe that homosexuals are a measly 4%. Fuck no. I am not one to represent data with pie charts and graphs; honestly, I wouldn’t know maths/math? even if it hit me smack dead in the middle of the face but guess what, I know like one thousand gay people (okay maybe I am lying) but seriously, 4%? Who are these people who conduct these researches, because really, they need to switch careers.

You should probably bookmark the paragraph above because it the closest you will ever get to figures in this blog.

I get sidetracked. Moving on, Biphobia is real as measles is real, and twice as bad. It is the elephant in the gay and heterosexual room. Gay women in the room pretend they are okay with it but they just want to punch the bisexual women in their face. We think these women have multiple personalities, or two-faced or she might turn into a bee or some alien and suck the blood out of our peaches at night. We think we are ‘holier’ than them. We think we look like god and talk like jehovah.

 

We have very daft little heads.

 

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With homophobia, it’s a case of dealing with the ‘outside world’. The people practising conventional sex and the church people and all the other people in this planet. These ones we can live with, in fact we have mastered the art so well. We live our happy gay lives like these people don’t exist and yeah, go we.

 

But what happens when the enemy is on the outside and in the inside. Where do you run. The pain and confusion penetrates deep. So deep, sometimes the bisexual women result to in keeping their sexuality to themselves. Some lesbians say bisexuality is a preference, where they assume a bisexual woman will switch between a male or female sexual partner just from the angle of bed they woke up from, say choosing pastries over croissants for example; you can eat any just because you can. Or choose not to depending on how high or low you go on the diet totem pole. It is much complicated than that.

 

 

The bisexual woman. She is your everyday professional woman, your wife, sister, mother, nun, name it. The nun is obviously out of question here but we will never know what happens in the monasteries now will we? And hell no don’t you dare call that blasphemy. There are far much worse blasphemous acts going on in Kenya and just because I have mentioned the nun name doesn’t mean I will burn in the hell’s hot furnace. Or maybe I will, tell the devil to preserve a seat for me once you get there. She is married by a six foot tall man with a six inch between his legs (the six inch is a myth by the way, the one between the legs i.e), she is a single mum, she is young, she is old, she is your every day kind of woman. She seems to have it all. It is said that we are all innately bisexual, it’s whether we act on it or not that matters.

 

There is simultaneous bisexuality where an individual can have separate relations with at least one man and one woman during the same period of time, and serial or sequential bisexuality  where an individual can have sex with just men or just women over a period of time, and just the other sex over another period of time.

 

This glaring reality doesn’t easily gel with our medulla oblongata. Maybe it is insecurity, low self esteem, envy or just some condition with the said medulla oblongata.  We don’t imagine engaging in long term relationships with these women. Have we even bothered asking them? Maybe they don’t want a relationship with us too. We are so prejudiced and biased with our thoughts because we feel bisexuality does not fall in our typical sexuality. You are either lesbian or straight, right? You.Are.Fucking.Wrong. And it is time the lesbians of this world accepted this and moved on.

 

Bisexuality is not confusion. It is not a phase. It is not an adventure. Bisexual women are not promiscuous. They are not in a transition to some lesbian or straighthood destination, these are women erotically attracted to both sexes. It is a sexuality,  just like we are lesbians. Accept this, or it is entirely your problem.

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Bisexual women are underrepresented and hence they will blend in the lesbian community because they feel this is closer home. But they find us in our stereotypical cocoons that we are not willing to come out of. These women start questioning themselves because we have made it clear to them that they don’t belong in our world, they should fully take the plunge. This, coming from us is the greatest of all oppression. All these fallacies surrounding bisexual women are entirely superficial.  We condemn these women through a fault that is not their own. We are a minority group, yet we shun them away. What we share is not what we might want, but we do share it. We are survivors of each other. We are the minorities and we should hang in there together. You don’t have to wait until you are a human right activist to embrace your bisexual girlfriends, you don’t have to wait until you are a shrink, because my dear lesbian friend, these are spirits you will never exorcise.

Go yea bisexual sisters, I am rooting for you

This post is not about Michelle Rodriguez

 

I am crouched over a computer screen at work switching between doing a school assignment, reading Stephen R. Covey’s Seven habits of highly effective people (gazillion years later), drooling over Michelle Rodriguez (the photos that is, if she were to show up in person my hands would do weird things like unzipping her fly and wait, my cheeks are getting hot) and of course, working. Not particularly in that order but whatever order you prefer to use, make sure the working bit comes last.

 

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Again I say, this is the point you stop reading if you are a potential employer.

Let’s move on fellow subordinates. There is something mysteriously cool about being alive, say women coming out or witnessing the evolution of womankind for example. Newborn babies keep blowing off my mind (and no this is not a pedophile alert) cuz they look so yummy, women are becoming increasingly beautiful. Must be something in the water, or the sperms; it’s not something I would know. I don’t know more about science than I know about the anatomy of a sperm. 

But here is a familiar terrain, our world is expanding guys. Why because the tank top wearing, badass, she can suck me into oblivion Michelle Rodriguez has come out as being bisexual. Omg I am still high on all the orgasms I had when I read these life altering news.

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Sorry guys, I can’t find the right words to soberly describe this woman and will therefore leave you with some Michelle Rodriguez porn for your weekend.

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                                                        You’re welcome.

 
You are right. It’s an obsession. Orgasmic weekend sweethearts!