Our lesbian scene (and things that ought to be left behind in 2014)

Here is a question whose answer may surprise you: Who are among the leading cigarette smokers in the world? Yap. Gay people. We are weirdly cool like that. Actually, this is not new information. And if you Google and not find the same, it is still something I won’t seek correction over.

Maybe I need to bring someone on here to explain to me in elaborate lengths about the smoking trend. I understand it is refreshing to watch a woman smoking and it is sexy so ipso facto she is sexy too e.t.c.. all I am saying is I don’t get the giving in to trends vibe. I am not saying smoking is bad. You are allowed to blow up your lungs like a world war II twin engine fighter plane because damn right, they are your lungs so by all means, move forward with the same unstoppable grit. But not because every lesbian is doing it, okay? Pick your own bad habits; say smoke shisha or Marijuana (saying Marijuana in 2014 is unforgivable) for instance. Wait, lesbians are smoking those too. And that is on a normal day.

It is nothing short of miraculous that we still manage to look as wildly attractive as we do.

Now in bullet points, and not in any particular order:

  • The serial SMSers.

There are lesbians out there who can chat a good game. Which, full disclosure, is a little creepy. It is also kinda counterproductive going with our current wage bill and the price of food being what it is. Also, there is the endless internet and you feeling the need to carry the responsibility of reporting to the world every single detail of your living life. Honey, do you ever do your household chores or pee for chrissake? Honestly, you come out as an altogether not normal person.

  • Still on the interwebs. The relationship dramas.

This is, bar none, the frosting on the Kenya lesbian scene cake. It is a cutthroat competition on who gets the most likes on exposing whom they have slept with, which Kenyan celebrity is gay or not yada yada. Some dramas can only be likened to something right out of a spy novel but thing is, one hour from now no one will remember how many likes or retweets you got from all that poppytalk. If that’s even an appropriate word. Because it doesn’t seem to do it all justice. People will remember you for all the wrong reasons, ‘oh here comes the drama queen bitch’. You don’t wonna be that girl. Forgive your Ex, move on, find a new one. Preserve that energy for something else, like growing potted plants in your bedroom or whatever. Please, just move on.

  • One-beer-in-the-club-the-whole-night-in-the-name-of-partying.

This goes back to going with the trends and riding on popularity. This is how some (some being the operative word) college kids have completely torn apart the very fabric of our lesbian scene. These are the type who move in cliques and sag their jeans. No surprise there. Speaking of which, are girls still sagging their pants in 2014? Keeping up with fashion trends is amongst my many blind spots so I am no expert in fashion matters. Your dress your choice right? Right.

My point is, choose your priorities right. And maybe your number one priority right now should be to stick up your broke ass in college and read. Partying every night is fun, but is up there with a steady paycheck.

  • The enemy within.

Girls. Girls. Girls.

A certain lesbian is rocking a pink Daniel Wellington watch and you have the faux version? Let’s all roast her ass. Does she have a better blog? By all means yes crucify that bitch on the big wooden cross. Is she an academe and you can’t construct an English sentence to save your neck? Hell, bring on the barbecue. Is she skinnier than you? Prettier? What, she “snatched” the girl you have been crushing on? Honey, how many women have to be cyber bullied and suffer for you to thrive? Is it really worth it? What happened to being your sister’s keeper? The paucity of vocal queer women only means that this is a perpetual battle.

I can’t think of the right words I truly want to say on this one. I feel words going ahead without me. God, I need a coffee.

  • The “trendy” accessory that is the gay dude.

Like there isn’t enough commodification of gay men going on in the market already. Have a gay dude friend out of genuine reasons. Not just because the idea of having a cute boy with a ripped chest to tag along with you in family occasions completes your perfect ad for road to success. Everyone is human, after all.

Our yardstick should be to aim for the quality of our fellow queer women lives. It should not be about competition because you will never win. Maybe I will conclude on the list when I get back.

Meanwhile, this marks my last 2014 post. A sincere thanks to every single one of you; getting all mushy isn’t normal fodder for yours truly but I will say this with utmost honesty-it was a great blogging year for me because you were all in it and you were good to me. I love you.

I will see y’all in 2015 Inshallah.

Lesbian sex (for dummies)

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A girl puts two fingers up to her mouth in a V sign and squirms her tongue between them. That is the universal sign for I wanna lick your pussy. I am surprised you didn’t know that too.

No holds will be barred in this post so you might as well stop here if you are underage or you are some holy person or you are squeamish about words like pussy e.t.c., e.t.c.

Congratulations.

Heterosexual sex is commonplace common knowledge. What do I put where? When? How? At what time? I am yet to read about some dude who put it in her ear mistaking it for her vagina. Everybody finds their way out somehow, like a tot suckling on their first day, or eating in the dark. Those analogies are terrible beyond words, but stay with me.

Enter lesbian sex and we have the highest levels of anxiety the world has ever known. It goes in the lines of do I finger her, do I rub her clitoris, do I suck her breasts, do I chain her hands on the bed, do I bite her tongue off? e.t.c., e.t.c. Add the I-have-absolutely-no-idea line to it and we have a pile of confused anxious lesbians milling about the earth. Words like clitoris, vagina and lesbian are said in torturous whispers. They are terrifying words to even contemplate.

So, I suppose I should get this started by saying that there is no such thing as an experienced lesbian. This is the truth. There is no underground lesbian subcommittee with the power to decide on lovemaking top performers or something like that. It is a matter of tossing a coin and every lesbian dreads it because it involves a great deal of work. It can be as complicated as knowing all the numbers of the elements in the periodic table, or it could be as easy as eating ice cream. It can never be homogenized. It is not grouped into past lesbian partners or zero experience tick box, or age or exposure or anything really.

It’s about self-confidence and being eager to have sex.

So before you freak out on your first lesbian sex experience, chances are that your ‘experienced’ partner is half as freaked out. And you can’t blame her. She doesn’t know whether to approach you with great gentleness, or like a crack stimulated addict. You could change into something wildly different at any second. Maybe you turn blind after you climax or maybe you recite holy chants in your ancestor’s language. You know, she can never tell what you can turn into. She is having her first experience with you.

Sex demands have risen generally; everyone is stressed up with stuff in life and we all need escapisms; like sex in this case. Darling, don’t make it more difficult by expecting her to know everything. Communicate with her; this is a love bed not a graveyard for chrissake. Moan, cry; be creative. Narrate stories even; (It’s a thing; watch OITNBS02E04). The part where Nicky Nichols is going down on Brook Soso. Totally cracked me up. Uh-oh, I should have started with a spoiler alert warning.

Be in the moment and stay with her. This is not the right time to worry about your clothes (that are lying on the floor at this time) having different shades of black. While at it, forget about some mythical Egyptian Queen hourglass body shape and concentrate on loving the body you have now. I know this is a tall order for majority of women but I am really trying not to lose my coolness points here. Low self body image is not a great thing when juxtaposed with a horny woman next to you is all I am saying. She needs motivation, and motivation is what she should get.

“Don’t compare your Chapter 1 to someone else’s Chapter 20”. This holds water, I agree. It is obvs that a woman who is having brand new lesbian sex cannot be compared to a lesbian who has been around the block but as I said earlier, this hardly matters. And just in case you think I am contradicting myself, well I am not. I cannot let the darkest powers of contradiction shame me on this post. Sex is a very difficult topic, so keep that in mind as you read on.

It is not written on your face that you are a baby dyke and so long as you have the desire, there are two of you on that bed and the last thing on your mind should be about the particulars. No amount of reading lesbian sex for dummies books or Google will save your ass, it is about following cues from her and asking. Ask. Ask. Ask.

Lesbian porn is another dangerous thing that can put the fear of the Lord on a baby dyke. Take the amount of spotless pussy on there, for instance. And little tattoos all over the waxed bodies. Well, I certainly believe that you are aware that it’s all plastic. No? Oh really? Impressive!

We wish we could do all those things but we don’t, I’m afraid. Amid the fake moans and muff-dives and humongous dildos and long nails, actual sex does happen. And it doesn’t involve all that, friend. So while you were busy taking notes from these lesbo clips, lesbians were busy climaxing to plain old lesbian sex. And I think many lesbians prefer the aforementioned. But this is just speculation from me at this point I should add. There are lesbians with fetishes for other strange sexual behaviours and I don’t have the figures to back that up as of now. Many lesbians (and you can quote me on this) will not be comfortable with muff-diving during your first sexual encounter with them and sex toys and (I could go on). Relax and stop being nervous.

Enough of this chatter. We don’t want that girl you have been eyeing to slip through your fingers, now do we?

meg

Will the real relationship please stand up?

To say that I always have it easy as a lesbian is downright crazy.

Curious researchers have probed, poked and dissected lesbians relationships and concluded that yes, this is quite a walk in the park. In fact, it is such a slow leisurely walk that you can all bring your fancy barbeques and let’s all have a party in here.

Humor me, please.

When I try to reminisce my love stories, I get a whole different picture it’s very hard to relate. Not that I have had many relationships, but the little I have experienced has come in all shapes and flavors I almost never recognize myself when they are over.

As a small girl, weddings fascinated me. I was a flower girl in many of these. While donning a little white dress, nobody could talk me into not believing in living happily ever after. I believed in my prince charming sweeping me off my feet and living with me in his castle forever after.

Though the gender of the prince has changed, I wonder whether the story has remained the same.

I agree that when it comes to PDA, we have it easy. But that is as far as it goes. There are queers and quarks, those with secrets and checkered pasts, those in love and those flaky ‘lesbian’ straight women with multitudes of personalities. You might turn into a pretzel pleasing her, but she will go back to her heterosexual nest anyway.

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There are issues plus a zillion others in lesbian relationships.

After we are done recycling the small circle that is our community, we are left in the mercies of our not so eager to see us happy families. Not many of them would understand why their beautiful daughter would torment her soul getting heartbreak after heartbreak from another woman.

I mean, look at the sea of all the tall, dark and handsome men. It feels sort of like the voodoo, very difficult to explain unless you are in it.

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Though there are some robust lesbian relationships around, picking them in a crowd is very difficult, it is like explaining to a four year old the meaning of twerking. They find them eventually now that the videos are all over on Youtube! Look at what we have done to our children.

The average lesbian relationship around here lasts anything from one day to maybe seven years max. By the time the partnership is over, you have trekked to Masai Mara and hunted all kinds of rare meat in the jungle for her and most probably, you have been disowned by your family. You have fought the daily signature fights with courage and resilience. You have survived the wilderness of PMS for two and finally, this has culminated into a therapist inducing break-up.

The formula for strong relationships still remains elusive; every one writes their own stories. A woman will tell you of a girlfriend who got miraculously pregnant, others will tell tales of how she ran away with her first lover and others will pay homage by inviting you to their weddings. With an opposite sex of course.

I ask myself, but what suddenly happens to that first cosmic kiss. What became of the lightning bolts of lust and love she melted our heart with, what of the nights and days of deprivation to remain true to her?

These are the street we wander, and there is nowhere to go but forward.

We are willing to be discriminated upon, because in order to call ourselves lesbians we had to be swept off our feet by women, we went against all odds and lived lives that contradicted all the previous myths, about what is expected of us and what is normal or right.

Because those are our love stories.

Have a rocking weekend! #TGIF