To those of you disengaged from reality

bleh

There are a couple of words in the gay world you can say if you want to get ahead and look really clever. Use words like pederasty, libertine, exhibitionism, heterosexism et al in one sentence and this turns you from (let’s say) some simpleton with a Diploma in puppetry (do not take offense puppetry people) to some genius with impeccable erudition. Coming on the heels of the Anti-Homosexual bill signing in Uganda are queer bashers having a field day from here to Murang’a. Let’s leave Museveni and his fragile ego thing for now and talk about these facebookers and their 140 characters neighbors.

Christ! I bet this is the closest some of these people have ever got to a climax. I don’t befriend them for one nanosecond but their avalanche of crap somehow finds its way towards me. This is a huge culture of mediocrity and it has a huge following. No amount of muting or blocking will stop them. I am sure they gathered somewhere at night when they were adding friend requests and following each other on these social media platforms, did some weird rituals and decided let’s go and create havoc to the wicked. They are voluble and pestiferous; and they are idle. Stop them dead on their tracks and they will pounce on you like the proverbial crap hits the fan. Really, I have never seen so many difficult words in my entire internet life.

One of those idle people is Irungu Kangata, Kiharu MP. I won’t give him much airtime here but he is out there in Facebook practically surviving on huge doses of homophobia; which is putting it mildly cuz if this guy had a wish he would decapitate our heads. Update after update on his page on how homosexuals will cripple the economy of this nation and I am doing a running commentary in my head that it’s either these updates are for the amusement of small children or he is just deeply, deeply boring. I am not being figurative by the way; it is there on his wall. The economy of Kenya is coming down y’all.

So you got blood pressure? Bad hair day? Anglo-leasing? Marital issues? Jehovah witness at your door? Caught watching porn in the office, anyone?

HOMOSEXUALS!

Satan has nothing to do with it.

I am a seasoned lesbian. If you are going to spend your days thinking that your bashing is going to send heterosexual shock waves to my brain, you better come prepared. I’m driven by very primal lesbian urges and all the English vocab is not going to save me. The seasoned lesbian thingie comes fully equipped with immune for two. And I have had it since my pre-pubescent days.

Ah-ha. Kenya is very democratic. And you should voice your opinions. Now, assuming we were to all march the streets of Nairobi and torch vehicles every time a girl in her early twenties is made Deputy Ambassador of some country? It would be very unprofessional for a citizens known to stomach bigger scandals. We don’t carry placards and publicly rub ourselves on innocent pedestrians at the first opportunity. That’s what counts.

This post is about to turn political and it might rub on some people suggestively. I will leave politics to the intellectually inclined folks.

Stop being so melodramatic about it is all. It’s hackneyed and cartoonish.

This is for the lesbians above thirty| a guide.

And it is a difficult post to write because I am not thirty and age is not a topic women do during their pep talks. Lesbians talk about weight loss, calories, nips and tucks, padded bras, sports bras, money, sex, (particularly in that order).

I was having a chat with a lesbian woman above thirty. I won’t disclose her exact age for fear of eerm, I am looking for a very big word…yes that word. You know the one that gets you jailed for five years? Yes that one.
I am always talking about going to prison, in and outside this blog life. I googled this one and found out that there is no official registered fear of going to jail. Really? There seems to be all kinds of phobias and this one was made just for me urgh. There is actually one called vagina dentata; an abnormal fear literally of female genitalia and the vulva.

I don’t know what you live for if you don’t eat pussy.

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Back to the topic in hand, ladies ladies; by this age you have sampled all the lesbians, you compliment strangers on their looks, you have a dozen strapless sun dresses, you have discovered the secret to longevity, you are all outdoorsy and confident, you are deep in your career or whatever you have going on, No?
What I am trying to say is, you have seen it all. You are mature and you don’t give a fuck about who cares or who doesn’t.

HOWEVER, there is the little question of marriage. Okay BIG question of marriage.

When you wear your little strapless sun dresses, I bet many of those times are to attend to your cousins or friends weddings right? And in those weddings there are other married cousins, right? The said cousins have mothers and those mothers are your aunts, and we know they all have a Master’s Degree in biological clock studies, yes?

Now, let me give you some lessons on surviving Aunt’s (let’s call her aunt Beth) blabbermouth. Also, I regret and deeply repent my sins of using the name Beth to all my dear readers who goes by the same name. (There is no single Beth I know, and I trust me I know a lot of women).

Like a skipping CD she gives you a painful headache. She pushes all your mental buttons day after day. She tests your patience, and patience is something we, the lesbian folks weren’t given in abundance. We want to get a quick lay the first time we are in a confined space with our crush, touch and go generation redefined.

You see, Aunt Beth identify herself as ‘motherly’. She tells you all the things your mother won’t tell you. My said friend above told me her aunt even told her how many times a husband expects sex in a day. She also went ahead and told her how to space it out. She had clearly underestimated the motherly power of her aunt. Severely.
They say the first step to helping yourself is admitting you have a problem, but what if your problem is with your Aunt Beth?

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You are a regular woman doing okay in life, you set your goals and fulfill them, you make new year resolutions and stick to them, you drink eight glasses of water a day, you make to do lists and abide by them, you don’t have mismatched socks, no road rage and drunk dialing your first girlfriend who is now married with five kids…you have it all together.

Except the existential crisis that is Aunt Beth. This is the only bugging issue you can’t fix? Is it?
Here is the thing; it is not. Aunt Beth is obsessed over you; Heaven forbid maybe she is a closet lesbian even. Study Aunt Beth carefully; does she spend her days yapping about her husband, his wayward libido and drunken ways? Does she complain about her kids and what a waste they are? Does she seem depressed about anything and everything in her family?

nag 4
You are the perfect child she never had. She is just a jealous bitch.

Now, use her family against her. No parent wants to hear about her reckless child from another person.
Don’t be afraid about observing respect and existence of superpowers that can strike you dead the minute you stand her off. I mean, children have been disrespectful to their aunts since 1700BC, Come on!

Tell her that you are okay with yourself and what a true blessing it is. In fact, take this opportunity and come out to her. Tell her you dived into the lesbian world in your formative years and nothing, not even the holy communion wafers can change that. Tell her there is nothing she can change about you and you can only get better and better at loving women.

The fact that she disrespects you to keep reminding you what a disgrace you are because you are husbandless is reason enough to make you say to her categorically and equivocally that you know her whole marriage is a scam and a sham. It is like those newspaper lifestyle features you read and know for sure they can’t be real. The journalist is just interviewing her friends and passing it off as a trend. You won’t and can’t get into the marriage thingie with a hubby to please anyone.

You see where I am getting with this? Great! Now start practising it in front of your TV.

Come back and tell me how it goes when the face off happens. You can’t plagiarize my work like that and refuse to give me credit for it 😀

Homosexuality: It’s legalization in Kenya, then what?

South Africa, Mali, Congo, Cape Verde, Gabon et al. These African countries have something in common. Homosexuality is legal or decriminalized.

I envy them.

I wish we could borrow their constitutions; the clause on homosexuality would look really good on us. We, the descendants of Moses who went against imposed standards of behavior and gave life to the big elephant in the room, that one of homosexuality.

People in my family don’t talk about it yet it lives right there in the living room together with its extended family.

Assuming the sun sets and rises on a day that will see Kenya legalize homosexuality. That could be anything from tomorrow or the next three hundred decades, but I can only hope it will happen within my allocated human threshold. Gay weddings are beautiful.

I equate homosexuality to the old cliché phrase of “facing reality”.

“Reality is nothing but the sum of all awareness”.

It is many things to the stereotypical society but one thing I know for a fact is that it is going nowhere. If anything, it can only go higher. It is not contagious no. I guess we were just left behind when every kid went to Sunday school. But hey, a lot of fun happens behind the scenes. Ask our gay brothers. 

How can our society program its mind to the awareness of learning to accept two adults of the same sex living together permanently without prejudice and half baked facts, Without making assumptions that we will “rub it” on their kids?  

It is upsetting to hear and read news after news of corrective lesbian rape, murder and discrimination to the LGBTI community. I have seen an extremely ignorant society growing up where people with a disease as manageable as HIV/AIDs are treated so unfairly it is heartbreaking.

It is this same society that attack homosexuals on social media day in day out. People have made it their responsibility to teach us how to live “normal” lives. They delight in hurting our feelings to satisfy their egos. A piece of cloth as tiny as a tie for example will make people become too dramatic and to fit in and relate to them, we are made to believe in the heterosexual doctrine. Never mind that many of these preachers are closet homosexuals.  

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How possible is it for this society to live with us like brothers and sisters? Are we part of their greater whole? How long until they make our existence possible? How many landlords out there will order us to evacuate their buildings because we look and dress weird? The hate can kill us, just as effectively as by bombs.

With all these in mind, a reader asked me a very important question. I quote, “if being a dyke was made legal in Kenya-what would happen? How fast would we crawl out of the woodwork?”

Side note: She is gay, beautiful, famous, and married. Sorry girls.

Confidence comes not from thin air, but from experiences in which we succeed. Consistent success in small and large matters creates a new confidence in us. We start by hugging our partners publicly, then we hold hands and eventually we get to kissing them openly.

Once we get the pass, will it be a case of getting freedom and not knowing what to do with it? What of all the work our LGBTI activists have done; the thousands of articles and forums created in our plea.

There will be no more asylums, you will do whatever you had desired to do in SA with your partner right here in Kenya, in front of your folks and clansmen.

So how long will it take before you proudly parade your partner in a wedding? Are you ready to become an instant celebrity and give the media a field day?

Personally, I am so accustomed to being a hermit so much so, that even when the victory comes, I will still be in the battlefield singing war songs. I am not suggesting that we should all chicken out from publicly stating our sexual orientation to all Dick and Harry; it is just that for me, it may take years.

Our immediate environments for instance has made it possible for some to come out to family and friends, while for others, sobibor is a place we aren’t planning to escape soon. Not because we hate the freedom that comes with being openly gay, but for me, it safer to live in the closet rather than give father an early death. I would never forgive myself. He is everything I have and all things considered, it is a sacrifice worth making.

What about you, if the constitution allowed homosexuality today, would you publicly marry your partner? Or to quote her again, how long before you come out of the woodwork?

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A lesbian’s thought on the Kenya Presidential Candidates

 

Hey pussy mongers 🙂

So it’s clear none of the Kenya presidential candidates like the gay people

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I guess it is only one candidate who has vaguely come close to pretending they knew we exist. I am sure most of them don’t read their Bibles but when it comes to matters homosexuality, they go all ham on us quoting Sodom and Gomorrah like it is some kind of rare slimming pill. Seriously, Moses, he of the 10 commandments would be very disappointed by these so called leaders. Every single one of them would score a cute F and maybe a measly E to that other one who I think is a bit connected to reality.  

But hey I am not extremely politically savvy and this is not a political blog, a religious blog, a hate blog or a campaign blog. So let us stick to things that are closer home, Shall we?

Right. So we all know that the Kenyan law does not recognize same sex marriages. That is under Article 45 (2) of the constitution. I will even quote that thingie because I know you have other important things do and no one likes reading the constitution anyway >> “Every adult has the right to marry a person of the opposite sex, based on the free consent of the parties”

 

Couldn’t they have written something clever like why I have been hitting the snooze button everyday for the last one decade?

 

Now it means every single one of us will have to save (and God knows we love drinking and smoking illegal stuff), relocate to a state in the U.S (and live in homeless shelters while at it because the air ticket was fucking expensive), put the ring on the frigging finger of our other better half and then we jet back in Kenya and depress our parents to death live happily ever after.

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Can’t I just be allowed to play footsie in peace in this goddamn country! Now I will have to worry and keep worrying some more until the wrinkles show on my face because I cannot afford to do that bullshit. I am baffled.

 

Fuck you presidential candidates. Because now I will have to keep chanting solidarity forever on the streets of Nairobi begging for rights I own in the first place. I will have to pretend it was a slip of the hand every time I am caught holding my partner’s hand in public. I will have to pretend it is okay every time a gay person is outed or given a thorough beating in public while it gives me nightmares at night.

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I thought we have suffered for so long and maybe this time there would be a president who can give a shit fuck about the fact that if you narrow it all down, gay people are citizens with equal rights. But they are all blinded by the beauty
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