Lesbian sex (for dummies)

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A girl puts two fingers up to her mouth in a V sign and squirms her tongue between them. That is the universal sign for I wanna lick your pussy. I am surprised you didn’t know that too.

No holds will be barred in this post so you might as well stop here if you are underage or you are some holy person or you are squeamish about words like pussy e.t.c., e.t.c.

Congratulations.

Heterosexual sex is commonplace common knowledge. What do I put where? When? How? At what time? I am yet to read about some dude who put it in her ear mistaking it for her vagina. Everybody finds their way out somehow, like a tot suckling on their first day, or eating in the dark. Those analogies are terrible beyond words, but stay with me.

Enter lesbian sex and we have the highest levels of anxiety the world has ever known. It goes in the lines of do I finger her, do I rub her clitoris, do I suck her breasts, do I chain her hands on the bed, do I bite her tongue off? e.t.c., e.t.c. Add the I-have-absolutely-no-idea line to it and we have a pile of confused anxious lesbians milling about the earth. Words like clitoris, vagina and lesbian are said in torturous whispers. They are terrifying words to even contemplate.

So, I suppose I should get this started by saying that there is no such thing as an experienced lesbian. This is the truth. There is no underground lesbian subcommittee with the power to decide on lovemaking top performers or something like that. It is a matter of tossing a coin and every lesbian dreads it because it involves a great deal of work. It can be as complicated as knowing all the numbers of the elements in the periodic table, or it could be as easy as eating ice cream. It can never be homogenized. It is not grouped into past lesbian partners or zero experience tick box, or age or exposure or anything really.

It’s about self-confidence and being eager to have sex.

So before you freak out on your first lesbian sex experience, chances are that your ‘experienced’ partner is half as freaked out. And you can’t blame her. She doesn’t know whether to approach you with great gentleness, or like a crack stimulated addict. You could change into something wildly different at any second. Maybe you turn blind after you climax or maybe you recite holy chants in your ancestor’s language. You know, she can never tell what you can turn into. She is having her first experience with you.

Sex demands have risen generally; everyone is stressed up with stuff in life and we all need escapisms; like sex in this case. Darling, don’t make it more difficult by expecting her to know everything. Communicate with her; this is a love bed not a graveyard for chrissake. Moan, cry; be creative. Narrate stories even; (It’s a thing; watch OITNBS02E04). The part where Nicky Nichols is going down on Brook Soso. Totally cracked me up. Uh-oh, I should have started with a spoiler alert warning.

Be in the moment and stay with her. This is not the right time to worry about your clothes (that are lying on the floor at this time) having different shades of black. While at it, forget about some mythical Egyptian Queen hourglass body shape and concentrate on loving the body you have now. I know this is a tall order for majority of women but I am really trying not to lose my coolness points here. Low self body image is not a great thing when juxtaposed with a horny woman next to you is all I am saying. She needs motivation, and motivation is what she should get.

“Don’t compare your Chapter 1 to someone else’s Chapter 20”. This holds water, I agree. It is obvs that a woman who is having brand new lesbian sex cannot be compared to a lesbian who has been around the block but as I said earlier, this hardly matters. And just in case you think I am contradicting myself, well I am not. I cannot let the darkest powers of contradiction shame me on this post. Sex is a very difficult topic, so keep that in mind as you read on.

It is not written on your face that you are a baby dyke and so long as you have the desire, there are two of you on that bed and the last thing on your mind should be about the particulars. No amount of reading lesbian sex for dummies books or Google will save your ass, it is about following cues from her and asking. Ask. Ask. Ask.

Lesbian porn is another dangerous thing that can put the fear of the Lord on a baby dyke. Take the amount of spotless pussy on there, for instance. And little tattoos all over the waxed bodies. Well, I certainly believe that you are aware that it’s all plastic. No? Oh really? Impressive!

We wish we could do all those things but we don’t, I’m afraid. Amid the fake moans and muff-dives and humongous dildos and long nails, actual sex does happen. And it doesn’t involve all that, friend. So while you were busy taking notes from these lesbo clips, lesbians were busy climaxing to plain old lesbian sex. And I think many lesbians prefer the aforementioned. But this is just speculation from me at this point I should add. There are lesbians with fetishes for other strange sexual behaviours and I don’t have the figures to back that up as of now. Many lesbians (and you can quote me on this) will not be comfortable with muff-diving during your first sexual encounter with them and sex toys and (I could go on). Relax and stop being nervous.

Enough of this chatter. We don’t want that girl you have been eyeing to slip through your fingers, now do we?

meg

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Tips on where to find Nairobi lesbians…and other revelations

You guys are fond of stories, no? I will tell you one anyways.

Photo courtesy of: cartoon-lesbians.tumblr.com/

A time. I was done watching all the lesbian movies (all ten of them) and I was being driven insane by the unholy urge to do the nasty. This is an urge that can make women lose their birthright, with the exception of yours truly. Right. After purchasing plaid shirts, spotting funny hairstyles, smiling at random women on the streets, (I could go on) came my element of surprise. The Kenyan lesbian Venn Diagram is complicated and admittedly, I was terribly naïve. And thus came the period where I thought I was the only queer person in this country, or what I like to call my most depressing years on this cold earth. FYI, the whole lesbian movies cliché route will not work in this country. I just figured I should leave that fact here to lock it forever in words for the rest of naïve generations to come.

Picture it: you are in the communal laundry room in your flat and you realize you don’t have loose change for the chocolate dispenser. Without even going further with this story, we all know you hand wash your laundry, or mama safi does it for you now don’t we? Besides, how many flats have communal laundry rooms here or chocolate dispensers for that matter? I am just saying that chances of having damsel in distress scenarios and getting saved by another drop dead gorgeous damsel are slim to none in this country.

So maybe you ought to follow my modus operandi.

I created a crafty email account followed by an equally crafty Facebook account. Thing with Facebook unlike its radical twin sister Twitter is that you are allowed to have strange names such as ‘thevampiricallesbian’ or ‘LesboSuccubus’ or anything really. Facebookers give you space for these abnormal behaviors. My Facebook name therefore fell on those lines. It was unbelievably embarrassing so I will just spare myself this searing shame and get into the hunt.

Which one of you fellas haven’t heard of Denis Nzioka? Hand over your cave person combinations card if you haven’t. I should formally introduce him. He is here @DenisNzioka and here denisnzioka.co.ke and Denis Nzioka on Facebook. Me thinks he is the most amazing-looking man I know. Not many men can pull off his look. His features are beautifully handsome. Beautiful smile, his eyes like stars shining in the dark, his tender mouth…I didn’t mean to confess my love for him but I guess I just did. It is through Denis (albeit virtually) that I got to meet the LGBTI community. So that would be your first tip. He knows all important gay aspects and everybody loves Denis! My relentless adoration of him meant that he accepted me as a friend and hence I got a chance to see all his friends, (and followed all 5000 of them duuh) especially the women (and they are many) who in return, followed back! I was in heaven, Praise God.

Where do the lesbians meet? This is a question that will take us back to Facebook. I might as well get paid for marketing Facebook on here. I realized that most lesbian groups are found there. Search and you will find. There are women dedicated to making our lives happy. They put up notifications for picnics, visiting the underprivileged, house parties, road trips..anything! If you’re interested in such, there is always a person you can get in touch with. Follow organizations that support the LGBTIAQ in Kenya while at it; UHAI-EASHRI, Minority Women in Action, Gay Kenya, , GALCK, Kaleidoscope Trust, they are many. This way, you will be able to follow any upcoming events organized by these organizations.

Well, I was armed with gazillion followers and with a history of no sex and unholy thirst, this became a very unfamiliar territory. What are you thinking? Facebook would ask. Here, I developed my new specialty. I would post and comment on other posts like I was getting paid. For real, I would have owned an oil well in Lamu by now dear reader. I asked questions and was really interested in what was going on in other people’s lives. And as befits someone who is permanently horny, I would post random posts and say I was actually horny. To my complete astonishment, women liked that vibe. Like I minded! I think it is the hysterics I used on there, or the women were naturally good-natured. And yes I flirted a lot. That helped too.

So there, I worked with what I had and it worked, by the way. Facebook is not as bad as they tell you it is Yo. I have to state here again that in Facebook, just like any other social network, you have to learn to keep your horny side to yourself because getting to know people takes time. You don’t want to be that woman who gets lured into some pit that people suck humans dry; You will need to pray for loads of patience. And another thing- this is how I met my first girlfriend. I could count my sexual partners in less than one hand, in fact three fingers. But I can say one thing for sure; Facebook is where the lesbians are at.

Gay clubs. I hate to be the one to break this one to you but there are no exclusive gay clubs in Nairobi. It is a hard life out here. Just be courteous and have good mannerisms and you can drink anywhere. Except iclub, (formerly Tacos). I have witnessed a case where a friend could not be let in the club because the bouncers were feeling too hot for her revolutionary hair cut. Wankers! In fact, most gays have boycotted this club altogether.

It takes ages before I venture out of my secret hideout which is my bedroom. I’d rather ignite my hair than go clubbing. Given the option of hanging out in an actual club and dance the night away or hang out in my bedroom in my knee length tees together with my wolly socks, I would choose the latter. I know. I know. Okay? So I asked my very good friend Fifi to let me in on the names of these clubs. She happens to be extremely blasé this one. There is Envy, Gypsies, Sevens and Frankies. Hello Fifi, you are now famous! Naturally, I wouldn’t know the location of these clubs so I hope you’ll get in on the search dear readers.

Splendid. Now you know of two things that actually work. What do I wish I knew at eighteen? That I didn’t have to feel so alone. Or lesbian penpals for God’s sake; anything to compare my life with others. But how could I choose who I wanted to be if I didn’t have anyone to compare it to? I can’t even remember my teenage years so well. They were so blurry and full of self-pity. I did not know for instance, that I didn’t have to read yet another copy of Sweet Valley High Novel in high school just to fit in. Quite frankly, I found those books boring as fuck. But I remember reading James Baldwin’s Giovanni’s Room. And re-reading it and re-reading it and crying because it aroused a compelling craving in me. I could feel myself in its pages but I was something my peers weren’t. Those depressing years lasted well enough.

Phew. But I am here now, aren’t I? Pursue your own happiness is all. Most importantly, you don’t have to feel so alone. It is an unfalteringly horrid experience. Also, work with what you have, no woman will be presented to you with every bell and whistle imaginable. You deserve to be happy, darling.

Why you won’t be getting laid anytime soon.

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I am not an expert on dating advice. Writing a queer blog means I have very big shoes to fill, wearing many hats like making sure lesbians get laid and what have you happens to be one of them. Everyone or majority of people loves sex. It is a primal instinct. You aren’t getting some with that girl and you want it as a matter of utmost urgency so here is how you are blowing it, and thoroughly. Rather, I should write words you would understand; why you are a royal pain in the ass in the dating world. Annoying words huh? You aren’t familiar with annoying until you have encountered a woman who types in shorthand. That’s where I am embarking on this annoying habits journey.

I may not word this as memorably and assertively as I’d like to, but please for the love of the crucified Christ, never use shorthand. Even my ten year old nephew does not abbreviate messages. Here’s a setting:

Me: Hey
Her: Hye (yes, there is such a word apparently)
Me: (Rolling eyes) How’s your day?
Her: Jz bumn in de hauz
Me: (Ten minutes later) Okay. That is not a very bad thing I guess..
Her: Nah, tz bd! M bord 2 deth!
Me: (unspecified amount of time later) I am sorry to hear that. Have a nice day.

It is not remotely possible to continue with this conversation, a whole ten minute of my life that I will never get back. That right there is the cream of the top if you ask me. The fucked-upness of them all. Seriously, I could write a novel. Jz=just, bumn=bumming, hauz=house, tz=it is, bd=bad, M=I am, bord=bored, deth=death, (just in case you aren’t familiar with that kind of code). Which over sixteen humanoid makes the deliberate effort of typing like that? The woman in the above setting is ironically bumming in the house but for highly complex reasons, she cannot bring herself to type fully formed words like the grown up she is. There got to be some place you take the time you saved while writing that. Somebody ought to educate me. Or maybe it is something in our food. Is it a childhood issue, like lousy upbringing? Are these the famous kids that weren’t held enough, or the babies nobody picked up? For those of you who are well travelled, is this kind of twaddle found in other countries or is it a Kenyan tragedy? Surely, if you are a victim of this kind of retarded way of communicating, do whatever you got to do to stop. Go back to school if you have to.

Just because you are a lesbian does not mean you look like a walking disaster. This encompasses everything. From the clothes you wear, your hair, how you smell, shoes-it all goes together. You have to make deliberate efforts to take care of yourself. I understand we are living in very hard economic times. The taxes, soaring prices of food, everything is downright expensive. I get that. I am struggling just like everybody else. I also get the bad hair days and the extremely broke days. That’s cool once in a while. But by God, not every day of your life. If you can afford the luxury of indulging in cigarettes and beer every other weekend, you can afford a nice perfume and I clearly don’t have to spell out everything for you. Women like women who look and smell good. It is a universal principle of fashion that majority of women (straight and non-straights) dress for other women. Therefore, we notice these things. We are naturally responsive to these kinds of stuff. Don’t break a bank to look good though. Work on a minimum budget and save up the rest of the money. On that saving up note, I feel compelled to add a note here. There is a group of lesbians that try too hard to impress. We are warmed up nicely with the idea that you have a hundred pair of heels, sneakers, boat shoes, hoodies et al. Which is nice. But please, don’t be that lesbian who hits thirty without a penny under her name. I am just saying that given the option of showing off with expensive clothes, hanging out in expensive clubs and saving some money for rainy days, I’d choose the latter. You can only live off your parent’s money for so long. Plus, we shall label you for that lesbian who donned expensive shoes but is now living off donations. Save and save is all I am saying.

Be intelligent. It doesn’t matter whether you were an all E’s student or all A’s in high school. The kind of intelligence I am talking about here is not school related. However, if you are an ardent follower of the gay scene in the world, you will notice that many queer people are well read. They are ridiculously intelligent. Arts, academics, sports, name it. Chances are, you will end up with one of these people across your table. Honey, do yourself a favor and get some education in your head. The words that come out of your mouth are directly connected to the kind of people you attract in your life. We are endeared to people who know stuff, anything. Be passionate about something, be that woman people phone to get updates on warring countries, or to get your views on the controversial Lupita’s dress. You get the drift. Have your own views on life. You can’t be agreeing on everything people say. It is a major turn off with most people. It doesn’t matter whether you are in the Guinness list of the hottest people on earth or you are the chosen Daughter of Zion. As long as you have a doughnut for a brain, then many people will be blind to your beauty. Or maybe they will be attracted to you for some time and then drop you like the hot stuff you are. I am just saying, know the world around you, sweetheart.

Be independent. Again, no one has invented the word I need to emphasize on this one. It is okay to need help, it is okay to be vulnerable, it is okay to borrow money from people when you get broke and you desperately it. The highest number of citizens in Kenya are unemployed, no means of livelihood whatsoever. I get it. But for christ’s sake don’t be too needy and clingy about it. Borrow money only when you need it, and return it back while at it. There’s very little that puts as much strain on relationships and friendships as the constant habit of borrowing money. You become that woman that people avoids, people will vanish out of your life. You will die alone, you will spend your life thinking you were cursed, the works.

This list is only the half of it. There is enough to wake the dead but being a Monday morning, I know you have other more interesting things to do with your life dear reader. You are free to use these tips, by the way. You know where to send the royalty cheque.

Blessed week.

What endures?

(Title plagiarized from Dust by Yvonne Owour)

I highly recommend the book, by the way. Measureless talent.

There is this lesbian blog I follow and the couple just celebrated their tenth anniversary. It got me thinking. Clearly God show up with the formula for permanent lesbian relationships in some whereas in others, he grins and walks away and it seems the prime candidates are in this country (in the latter). You will need a strong heart, lungs and bones for that ten years stretch. Look around.

By look around, I mean mutually exclusive couples. They don’t cheat lust or flirt with other women or any other conventionally accepted manner of cheating. Which is basically everything including hugging other women. Those emojis you send a girl that is not your girlfriend equates to cheating. In fact, the whole having a phone while in a relationship is a total sham. You know those whatsapp groups? euphemism for breaking up relationships en masse. I am not crazy about them but there is no-way no-how anyone will convince me that things with such impressive following don’t come with encrypted content and the decoding phase is when you first and fast sleep with the queen bee. Like hell, there is always a queen bee. High school never ends.

A large number of lesbians have had heterosexual relationships in their lives. Chances are one woman in a lesbian relationship started as a heterosexual woman. Those who have been in lesbian relationships exclusively are few and far between. This right here is problem numero uno. To put a finer point to it, this is the mother of all problems in lesbian relationships.

I was having a very adult conversation with a woman who has been married to a man and together, they have grown kids. They are now separated because of irreconcilable differences one of those being the good old deal breaker; cheating. Both of them did cheat. A younger (and leaner) woman for the man and a younger (and leaner) woman for the woman. The leaner in bracket was a word used by the woman in question so seems this particular couple is hot about lean people. Anyway, this good woman finally solved the final dilemma that is her sexuality and came to terms with the fact that it rests in between another woman’s legs and boy, she is ‘seriously living the life’ as she puts it. Now, she can finally do what she wants.

That last sentence got my brain frying. She assured me that she didn’t take up this woman as a rebound as she has always been a lesbian (but could never act on it). That’s not what I was crazy about actually, it’s the pernicious belief that could be the death of us all; suddenly it’s okay to hang out with the girls until the wee hours of the morning; suddenly you cannot wake up in the morning and make breakfast for your partner; suddenly you can touch another woman’s hair because it is ‘harmless, honey she is just a girl’. First let me burst that bubble for you. In fact, we better call it a more dangerous word like a hand grenade. I won’t sugarcoat this for you. Here, we work twice as hard.

Why the double standards? What makes you feel less threatened and safer here? For pity’s sake, lesbian partnership aren’t merely for entertainment. Forgive me dear reader for stating the obvious; yes we do have loads of fun here (hell, all we do is party) but unless someone debunk these stereotypes, our relationships shall continue being the joke of this earth is all I am saying.

It is politically correct for me to say that if a woman can afford the luxury of worshiping a man like he is Gautama Buddha himself, then by all means all rules applies here. A relationship is a relationship in any standpoint. But here we complement each other; time is long past when women were servile housewives. Also, the muscularity/subservient myth in lesbian relationships should be broken down for the sham that it is.

I place the blame squarely on ourselves because we expect too much if we begin our relationships on a trial and error method. Tried and true formulas have proved that the insidious expectation of expecting God to show up along the way is expecting a tad too much.

If you’ve read Committed by Elizabeth Gilbert you will understand just how much work the ten-year stretch I talked of call for. Prenuptial agreement in our country might be illegal for us but we can apply the same formula for our relationships. We got to make do with what we have to make it work because we need more archetypes in these relationships. Our relationships should endure.

A lesbian, incognito.

For the purposes of full disclosure, I support lesbians who live closeted lives (being a victim myself) as much as I support all out lesbians. I hope that we can be in agreement here for once that we don’t necessarily have to live in the closet/out tick box. The entirety of your sexuality should not be dictated by the society or your partner for that matter. The lesbian in the closet versus the out lesbian is not a comparative listing, it is not a goal we should all achieve, it is not a contest where we are promised some brownie points at the end of the sexuality race, it is not a seal of stability, it should also be your very own battle to fight.

Battle is a strong word to use, but it has been made to seem as such. Battle so draining we are seen as the-partners-who-don’t-bring-their-all-into-the-relationship. Seriously?

I know what you are thinking. I am saying this because I am closeted and ashamed of my sexuality. You are right on the closeted bit (which I have disclosed of course) and very wrong on the shame part. You guys, I would eat my lesbian life and take it out on a five star date. Keep in mind that lesbians are generally frugal women and going for five stars dates is no mean feat.

Inasmuch as it is liberating to live outside the closet, inasmuch as I love the feeling it leaves in my mouth, it should not be a mark of the ultimate lesbian love story. Sacrificing everything for my partner is one thing, showing this through coming out to the society and family is another. Lesbian relationships have been reduced to are you closeted or not check boxes. You are not lesbian enough if you can’t stomach reading a coming out to your family speech. The proverbial victim-villain story.

I wish people would trade families for a year or two. (And I dare you to survive a week in mine). Maybe then, we shall all learn that it’s not all bliss behind the closed doors. There are so many things that my closeted life offers, and maybe that’s why I have decided to stick with it. I have toyed with the idea of coming out to my family. However, by process of elimination I have found myself on the closeted standpoint time and again. Maybe I just need more time, or maybe I feel safer here. And maybe I sound very selfish.

Participating in we don’t bring everything to the table talks is in my opinion, very retrogressive. What I actually do bring to the table is far much important. It should be about surviving together as partners in not so friendly environments. It is already harsh out here; being looked down upon by fellow lesbians because I have not joined the exclusive non-closeted lesbian club is extremely dejecting. We are lesbians. Period.

An open letter to Kenyan lesbians above forty

What a nerve I have, writing to you this open letter. But I guess this is a good time as any. So let’s have a small tete a tete now shall we?

I am not in your social circles; I am as impoverished as a church mouse. I am too loud, my ways are wayward. I live in my parent’s house. I drink cheap liquor and stagger like a Neanderthal. I am screwed basically.

I get it. I totally do.

Anyone feels exceptional pressure making a conversation with someone who doesn’t want to, but I cannot emphasize to you how important this small talk means to me. Can I call you dear? Dearie? pumpkin? I am not sure I know how you and your girlfriends refer to each other. For the purpose of this blog therefore, I will call you girlfriend. Everyone understands that girlfriend vibe.

Girlfriend, I really need strong quads to write this post. That’s how intimidating you are. You seem like the type that can eat me in one bite, you scare the pants off me for sure. But still, can you do me a huge favor and read till the end? muchísimas gracias. See, I am a cool kid, I even know some bit of Spanish. By the way, they refer to everybody under thirty as kid nowadays. Girlfriend, this is a generation from a different galaxy. Never mind, I am still finding some foundation for a conversation starter.

I completely understand the need for you to remain a mystery. Sometimes I am not sure you exist in Kenya even. Your camouflaging tactics are exemplary good. If I was at your age, perhaps I would also carefully closet my professional lesbian life. Maybe I would have overseas accounts to protect my money just in case the straight tax collectors came investigating my life. Also, there is the young generation to watch out for, they are on your money like white on rice. They think you got your fuchsia lipstick as a freebie, don’t they? Do they even understand how much that shit costs? How early you rise to hassle for those Dolce & Gabbana sunnies you got going? Do they for chrissake understand the pain you endure walking in heels all friggin day cuz you’re a friggin professional? They don’t, these kids. They fill their days instagramming food. Someone with such a habit would most probably not understand.

However, this might also be a negative stereotype. I am a true believer of listening to other people ideas. “If there is any one secret of success, it lies in the ability to get the other person’s point of view and see things from that person’s angle as well as from your own.” Who even had the faintest idea that I could use quotes? I completely blindside you, don’t I now? Those are Henry Ford’s words, girlfriend. Seeing one can get away with basing their arguments on a wise person’s words, don’t you think that we should reach a consensus on how to lead parallel lives?

There is a startling pattern with our lesbian scene. I somehow think it has become the universally accepted principle of living a lesbian life. You disappear into thin smoke after forty. Right girlfriend? What happened to life starts after forty? to sexual liberation.. What happened to sex hormones going amok (I happen to know) at your age? And while at it, what happened to getting a young woman of able kneecaps to fulfill these desires. Don’t get me wrong, I am not trying to get inside your sheets, I know there are very many others of your age where you come from who can perfectly fit inside your sheets.

What I don’t get is, don’t you get bored night after night performing orgies (again, I happen to know) with the same crowd of fifty year olds? I know you don’t give a fat turd about a youth whose moves in bed can only be compared to the speed of a herd of buffalo but guess what? I just want wanna be your bosom buddy. Seriously. It’s okay that you are superparanoid about me, it is even okay that I am just an average Joe and you are right at the top of your hassle but as one would expect of such a simpleton as me, I just want to hang out with your puppies and watch your cable TV. I know that is too much of me to ask.

Girlfriend, what I am trying to get at is that you have been around the block for some time. We could work a way where you would take me under your wings. Lesbian life is fraught with so many problems. We lay it on a foundation of shifting sand. I need your guidance on how to deal with my ex-girlfriends and their late night calls with their was-just-checking-on-you-vibe Please teach me your time standing ways.

You are not my mother. I’m far from suggesting that. You are a fine woman and not a mother figure in the least. That would be rude, calling you a mother considering I read wamama wako ushago in matatus every other time. What about we settle on how to define our relationship. We could do a big sis-lil sis thingie. Or seeing that I could vaccum your rugs for free, why not teach me how to interact with hot women and keep a straight face while at it.
That would come in handy dear girlfriend. The devil attacks me everywhere. Do you wanna hear about my colleague at work? she is too hot she could soft boil an egg. What would you do if you are held hostage and confined with a woman like that every day for eight hours? Tell me how you have managed to stand firm in gainful employment without facing any sexual harassment charges. How now, with all this madness does a woman of flagging spirit like yours truly not follow Lots wife extreme dishonest behavior and get turned to a ball of salt.

Do you even understand what I am saying here or should I enunciate every word for you.That I-need-your-help-because-I am-lost is what I am trying to say. Asking for help is the last stage, right after denial and insomnia and lusting after people’s wives stages. I am doing this with a pained face, my chicken comes injected with steroids and now my body is full of these steroids which give me a very fragile ego. In other very unrelated but imperative news, have you heard that they are now feeding our women with chicken feed? How can a generation be saved my dear girlfriend?

Do you think we should take a break? Me thinks we should. There will be a sequel and a trilogy. Meanwhile, I will go back to my Spanish ways and say chao for now girlfriend. Just for effect.

Hugs and kisses all around

What’s the worst that could happen?

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A Sunday.

First, I would like to apologize to my atheist readers because this post is church related. Also, it’s about God so to the rest of the religions, I pray for tolerance.

So- Newsflash!- This lesbian goes to church.

And I will tell you this for nothing, the church happens to be a good place. That is if you are into sitting at one place transfixed at a certain object for five hours straight. That is totally my thing, I happen to be the most patient person in the history of the world.

 

The above certain object happens to be the cross. Nothing to instill the fear of the Lord in your soul like the good wooden cross.

 

So this particular last Sunday came after the Valentine’s day (you know the day the town is in bloody circus?) that’s me admitting that I’m happy for everyone of you that got red flowers and undies, not. I happen to be sitting next to dad, as I always do. I’m a protestant and that means we carry our own hymns and Bibles because the millions and millions Church offerings get channeled towards our reverend, deacons and deaconesses Per Diem. The church therefore, cannot (and of course I don’t possibly see how) afford to buy the congregation the said books and so I will have to sit next to dad every Sunday so we can share. Why can’t I just buy my Bible you ask? Well, that is a very important question.

 

Most churches (this particular one is quite clear on that) are gay intolerant. Homosexuality arouses very strong passions in people, the devil is also quite clear too that he has a corner specifically set for us at his place. It’s unimaginable EVIL. But that’s beside the point. Despite everything that’s wrong with my life, I am here. The Reverend is giving us a little spiel about love, he is intoxicated by the Valentines love bug me thinks. He is referring to every love verse; this is especially a traumatic ordeal for me because sitting next to father means I get to have the huge task that is to locate for the said verses. Painstakingly, he marks every sermon with his special mark pen. Different one every Sunday, his Bible is now multicolored from years of use, and I automatically love it. You know, rainbows. I love rainbows my gentle readers.

 

What is love? Reverend says it is kind, it does not judge blah blah blah. Right, love does not judge. Now, my eyes are transfixed on the Reverend. I would love to hear him explain this one. And during one of those life’s rare coincidences, our eyes locks for a whole two seconds. My poor attempt at nonchalance ensures that I nod vigorously and together with the faithfuls, chants a big AMEN! I’d like to think it is God’s commanding presence but at that instant where our eyes lock, I think about Messiah’s second coming, I think about the lady I was checking out on our way to church, I think about my web history, I think about the gay people in Nigeria and Uganda, I think about the laptop I left unattended in my bedroom and all its lesbian porn and at the spur of the moment, I do what a good lesbian Christian would do, nothing.  You see, the church has a way of specifically loading on homosexuals’ shoulders, the sins of the rest of humanity. And they are many. But if you want to target my sexual orientation without even mentioning your nightly orgy of masturbation dear Reverend Christian, I’ll need a damnly good reason why.  

 

Love does not judge. The Reverend is unstoppable.

 

The church was built to instill good values in our hearts. Without a doubt, this is true. I don’t even question the credibility of that for one second. I don’t even justify my extreme gayism behaviors, I am a sinner dear gentle reader.  The fact that I will burn in hell is the final piece of the puzzle. But will you at least stop drumming this in my head every one second? I think the intolerance surrounding the hate for homosexuals makes a mockery of the whole Church structure. The blabber in loving your enemy is sickening mendacity and plain bigotry.

 

Why not quit church altogether you ask? I go to church to be alone with my thoughts, and for many other reasons I don’t have to necessarily explain to anybody. The Great God of the universe has not yet struck me with a sword, I WAIT. Also, I think who or who won’t burn in hell is too close to call for any fellow humanoid.

 

What would the Holy Virgin Mary do?

 

She would give unto the Lord what belongs unto the Lord. And so it is offerings time and I raise my note unto the high heavens. Praying to God that could he please remember me in his kingdom? That despite my extreme earlier mentioned behaviors; I paid the good Reverend to spread the gospel. It’s not for me to question what he does at night under his duvet.

 

Unrelatedly, on my way out I run into the lady I was checking out earlier on our way to church. This is definitely a sign. Do you know how to interpret dreams and signs my gentle reader? Neither do I.

 

Go ye in peace.