An open letter to all women lawyers in Kenya

Hey kittens 😀

There is a certain group of women that really fascinates me. The cool girls’ a.k.a no words written on a keyboard can describe them.

Posts about these women are better written under the influence, because I can never find the correct English words to describe them while sober. Somebody call my imaginary waitress for a shot of vodka. As a kid, I used to think that vodka was a country or a state in the USA, I used to say when I grow up I would like to live in vodka. Cool right? Again, terrible schooling.
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Actually, I don’t drink vodka; also I would rather be served by a male bartender. May be I should tell you why because I am all for letting embarrassing moments known by the whole world.

On my eighteenth birthday my older siblings thought of introducing me into the adult life, and because they are really creative, drinking ten bottles of beer was their idea of cool. So they took me to this club with really hot skimpily dressed female bartenders and guess what yours truly did? Your guess is right. There was this particular one who kept adjusting her breasts not because they needed adjusting; I guess they were just begging for a lil tlc from my brothers. And attention they got, from me.

I stood up in my drunken stupor and grabbed them titties. A whole twenty seconds of fondling someone’s breasts in a well lit bar. I have lived a miserable life convincing my siblings that I am straight; I would totally pass the polygraph test describing my imaginary prince charming. Ever since, my rational fear of female bartenders has had me scarred for life or to put it simply, I can’t bear the thought of being confronted with such harsh reality again in my life. The reality that I am such a bad, immoral human being. But in my defense, I was a tender eighteen year old full of naivety.

Anyway, back to the point. You know those girls in high school who always aced everything? They had a way of bullying the entire school with the amount of genius they exuded from their brain. The entire school would worship the ground they walked on.

They grew up to be something else. They now intimidate people in the society day in day out. I am talking about the legal practitioners. The likes of Njoki Ndungu ,Kethi Kilonzo, Martha Karua, Betty Murungi et al. Judicial pressure is something so profound to me.

I look at these women in awe. I can delve further into the details here and say the level at which they turn me on is alarmingly high.
La-dee-fuckin’-da! Everyone is turned on by lawyers. Look at the way Dan Ndambuki interviewed Kethi on Churchill live. He was looking at her oh so lustfully and undressing her in his head cloth by cloth. Ain’t no shame in that game. Kethi Kilonzo

Side note: I love Churchill show live the end, all his haters go suck dick.

It’s the way they are so intelligent, they know everything under the planet. They are the type that looks you straight into your eyes and unearth all your secrets. They bully us with their words; they make me melt into inferiority, fuck it I will be goddamned if I so happened to not cry myself to sleep everyday wondering what a sorry excuse of a human being I am.

I like watching legal drama movies. I find court thingies (I don’t understand court lingo duuh) freaking exciting.

And so I will write an open love letter to you,

I am I insane? Do you think I should relocate to Chalbi desert and die in my misery?

If I go scream my lungs out today, to the animal kingdom of the plains of Masai Mara declaring my love for you, would you think I belong in a mental institution?

Do you realize?

That I would drink your bath water

That I would rub massage oil on your feet for eternity

That I have wet dreams like boys do and they revolve around you

That I don’t want to have sex with you and those are just false rumours spread by people who want to ruin my good blogging life

That in fact I wouldn’t mind the sex if it was to be found within your borders

That my brain is my biggest flaw and the fact that it is constantly on, it might lead me into the court corridors because I wrote your name in a queer blog

Being honest about my feelings is a dagger I throw that will eventually turn back and stab my heart and that you would be the cause of said death

That your thoughts consume me so much I go to bed with a heavy heart everyday

That the sun sets just for you and I would love to spend one of those sunny days baking in the said sun with you
Now you do realize.

And so I will turn my brain off and tomorrow I will emerge hopeful. Because it is the only way to be. Even when thinking is bad for my health.

Again, a girl can dream.

Peace and love.

PS: Hey people who love me and adore me (haha! I am a funny woman), I am taking a short hiatus, probably a month. I hate it but I will be back. It’s not you dear groupies, it is me!
Miss me 😦