The elusive Gaydar

 

Walks into a coffee house, spots beautiful unchaperoned woman, stares at woman, fiddles fingers, scratches head, sips coffee, pours scolding hot coffee on self’s tits, makes a hot mess, looks up to stare at woman, woman is leaving now, holy crap she is coming over to your table….

That is Hollywood for you. Now back to Kenya. You are screwed and nobody gives two hoots.

It’s like the writer’s muse. Writers will go batshit crazy looking for it at the insides of their cigars, they will run naked in the middle of the night and come back with all of two sentences if they are lucky, or in most cases they will end up writing one book in two decades. Physical and emotional miseries.

I was having a conversation with a programmer who told me that he might be in the process of building a particular application but there is this line of code that just won’t work. Then it will appear to him like a dream in the dead of the night and it doesn’t matter whether he was making sweet love to his dear wife, he will hit the sheets like a demented creature and make a run for his laptop.  Else, he won’t remember it for months on end. What a life to live. Also, poor wife!

Gaydar is far much worse. I mean, we are talking about a heart and a homophobic population. I can’t remember which site this was but someone left a comment and said that if their kid was gay, he would skin off their manhood and spray pepper spray on them. I don’t know about you but getting sent to hell with hot flaming balls isn’t my idea of dying. Especially now that I am a woman and I don’t have balls so I am thinking that maybe this particular reader would have chopped off my breasts. It’s dreadfully scary what hitting on a straight woman/man can turn into. You don’t know whether what you have is an abnormal attraction masquerading as gaydar. Many of us were denied this God-how-much-we-all-need-it skill.

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memecentre.com

 

 

It is a fundamental law of nature that our lesbian hormones are always on a 24 hour clock shift. We will stop at nothing. Seriously, you just can’t stop us. How else do you explain flirting with a married heterosexual woman who even the devil knows you will never have. How do even explain to her how you get erotic dreams of you giving her earth shattering cunnilingus. How do you know she won’t tell on you to the authorities. When in the midst of all these emotions do you know what’s gaydar even if it were to hit you smack dead on your face. BUT we will hit on these married heterosexual women anyway, because that’s what winning means.     

 

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My gaydar is generally not so bad. I can call it neutral, occasionally edging toward bad. I will stare at a woman and two seconds into it I know she is lesbian. I will however practice the same with another woman and tumble head-first into the whale-belly of scoring an E. You can never tell with the dress code here. The old-age plaid shirt giveaway for instance does not apply on our streets. Lesbians have mastered the art of camouflaging in the crowds. Yours truly included.  Stereotypes or no stereotypes, gaydar is your best friend. I will be speaking for many lesbian women when I say that sometime you just want to hug a random beautiful woman on the streets, in a matatu..she look so divine, she looks like a lesbian, oh God you just wanna kiss her.

Gaydar entails confidence. It entails learning how to hold a stare; it also entails having a third eye. It is all about having killer conversation starters, and keeping the conversation going. If you are homosexually stunted, you will need to be laid hands on. There is no way you will survive in this hot and dry season in Kenya if you are the type to wait for a gay angel to rise from hell and cure your dry spell. Forget about snuggling in cold winter, there is something in this hot February sun that turns on all your horny hormones. I happen to know because I am speaking for myself. Pick cues from everything and everybody in her life. Compliment her and study her body language. There must be something there. Also, lesbians are generally friendly people. Take this to your advantage and study her keenly. You know, I am just giving you my two cents worth, this ain’t the gospel yo. Somebody needs to explain to me in writing how you spot a lesbian say 500 metres away and all your gaydar bells goes off. I mean, there are effeminate men for instance who can get you all so confused. But they happen to be as straight as a round-about. Same case applies to our tomboys and butch sisters. I think it is constitutionally wrong to judge people’s sexuality by their dress code.

So where to from here?

I suggest you work with intuition. It is pretty much the straight twin sister to gaydar. If it feels right, then it is right.

 

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How to live with a bisexual woman.

 

She is absolutely charming (pregnant pause).

Let’s explore the world of the bisexual woman.
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She has many enemies this one, she is like the bat we say, she is neither here nor there. She is the type of woman who annoys people without meaning to.

I will tell you why.

Maybe I should start with some figures. Can’t remember where I read this but it’s out there in the interwebs. 50% of the population is exclusively heterosexual throughout it’s adult life, 4% of the population is exclusively homosexual throughout it’s life, and you wonder where is the rest of the 46%, alas and alack, the bisexuals! Now, I don’t quite believe that homosexuals are a measly 4%. Fuck no. I am not one to represent data with pie charts and graphs; honestly, I wouldn’t know maths/math? even if it hit me smack dead in the middle of the face but guess what, I know like one thousand gay people (okay maybe I am lying) but seriously, 4%? Who are these people who conduct these researches, because really, they need to switch careers.

You should probably bookmark the paragraph above because it the closest you will ever get to figures in this blog.

I get sidetracked. Moving on, Biphobia is real as measles is real, and twice as bad. It is the elephant in the gay and heterosexual room. Gay women in the room pretend they are okay with it but they just want to punch the bisexual women in their face. We think these women have multiple personalities, or two-faced or she might turn into a bee or some alien and suck the blood out of our peaches at night. We think we are ‘holier’ than them. We think we look like god and talk like jehovah.

 

We have very daft little heads.

 

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With homophobia, it’s a case of dealing with the ‘outside world’. The people practising conventional sex and the church people and all the other people in this planet. These ones we can live with, in fact we have mastered the art so well. We live our happy gay lives like these people don’t exist and yeah, go we.

 

But what happens when the enemy is on the outside and in the inside. Where do you run. The pain and confusion penetrates deep. So deep, sometimes the bisexual women result to in keeping their sexuality to themselves. Some lesbians say bisexuality is a preference, where they assume a bisexual woman will switch between a male or female sexual partner just from the angle of bed they woke up from, say choosing pastries over croissants for example; you can eat any just because you can. Or choose not to depending on how high or low you go on the diet totem pole. It is much complicated than that.

 

 

The bisexual woman. She is your everyday professional woman, your wife, sister, mother, nun, name it. The nun is obviously out of question here but we will never know what happens in the monasteries now will we? And hell no don’t you dare call that blasphemy. There are far much worse blasphemous acts going on in Kenya and just because I have mentioned the nun name doesn’t mean I will burn in the hell’s hot furnace. Or maybe I will, tell the devil to preserve a seat for me once you get there. She is married by a six foot tall man with a six inch between his legs (the six inch is a myth by the way, the one between the legs i.e), she is a single mum, she is young, she is old, she is your every day kind of woman. She seems to have it all. It is said that we are all innately bisexual, it’s whether we act on it or not that matters.

 

There is simultaneous bisexuality where an individual can have separate relations with at least one man and one woman during the same period of time, and serial or sequential bisexuality  where an individual can have sex with just men or just women over a period of time, and just the other sex over another period of time.

 

This glaring reality doesn’t easily gel with our medulla oblongata. Maybe it is insecurity, low self esteem, envy or just some condition with the said medulla oblongata.  We don’t imagine engaging in long term relationships with these women. Have we even bothered asking them? Maybe they don’t want a relationship with us too. We are so prejudiced and biased with our thoughts because we feel bisexuality does not fall in our typical sexuality. You are either lesbian or straight, right? You.Are.Fucking.Wrong. And it is time the lesbians of this world accepted this and moved on.

 

Bisexuality is not confusion. It is not a phase. It is not an adventure. Bisexual women are not promiscuous. They are not in a transition to some lesbian or straighthood destination, these are women erotically attracted to both sexes. It is a sexuality,  just like we are lesbians. Accept this, or it is entirely your problem.

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Bisexual women are underrepresented and hence they will blend in the lesbian community because they feel this is closer home. But they find us in our stereotypical cocoons that we are not willing to come out of. These women start questioning themselves because we have made it clear to them that they don’t belong in our world, they should fully take the plunge. This, coming from us is the greatest of all oppression. All these fallacies surrounding bisexual women are entirely superficial.  We condemn these women through a fault that is not their own. We are a minority group, yet we shun them away. What we share is not what we might want, but we do share it. We are survivors of each other. We are the minorities and we should hang in there together. You don’t have to wait until you are a human right activist to embrace your bisexual girlfriends, you don’t have to wait until you are a shrink, because my dear lesbian friend, these are spirits you will never exorcise.

Go yea bisexual sisters, I am rooting for you