Nancy Kacungira

[Photo courtes: Twitter Nancy Kacungira ‏@kacungira]

[Photo courtesy: Twitter Nancy Kacungira ‏@kacungira]

Sometimes there is no post. Sometimes you just need someone beautiful to stare at.

[Photo courtesy the NY Daily News cartoonist Bill Bramhall]

[Photo courtesy: the NY Daily News cartoonist Bill Bramhall]

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The elusive Gaydar

 

Walks into a coffee house, spots beautiful unchaperoned woman, stares at woman, fiddles fingers, scratches head, sips coffee, pours scolding hot coffee on self’s tits, makes a hot mess, looks up to stare at woman, woman is leaving now, holy crap she is coming over to your table….

That is Hollywood for you. Now back to Kenya. You are screwed and nobody gives two hoots.

It’s like the writer’s muse. Writers will go batshit crazy looking for it at the insides of their cigars, they will run naked in the middle of the night and come back with all of two sentences if they are lucky, or in most cases they will end up writing one book in two decades. Physical and emotional miseries.

I was having a conversation with a programmer who told me that he might be in the process of building a particular application but there is this line of code that just won’t work. Then it will appear to him like a dream in the dead of the night and it doesn’t matter whether he was making sweet love to his dear wife, he will hit the sheets like a demented creature and make a run for his laptop.  Else, he won’t remember it for months on end. What a life to live. Also, poor wife!

Gaydar is far much worse. I mean, we are talking about a heart and a homophobic population. I can’t remember which site this was but someone left a comment and said that if their kid was gay, he would skin off their manhood and spray pepper spray on them. I don’t know about you but getting sent to hell with hot flaming balls isn’t my idea of dying. Especially now that I am a woman and I don’t have balls so I am thinking that maybe this particular reader would have chopped off my breasts. It’s dreadfully scary what hitting on a straight woman/man can turn into. You don’t know whether what you have is an abnormal attraction masquerading as gaydar. Many of us were denied this God-how-much-we-all-need-it skill.

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It is a fundamental law of nature that our lesbian hormones are always on a 24 hour clock shift. We will stop at nothing. Seriously, you just can’t stop us. How else do you explain flirting with a married heterosexual woman who even the devil knows you will never have. How do even explain to her how you get erotic dreams of you giving her earth shattering cunnilingus. How do you know she won’t tell on you to the authorities. When in the midst of all these emotions do you know what’s gaydar even if it were to hit you smack dead on your face. BUT we will hit on these married heterosexual women anyway, because that’s what winning means.     

 

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My gaydar is generally not so bad. I can call it neutral, occasionally edging toward bad. I will stare at a woman and two seconds into it I know she is lesbian. I will however practice the same with another woman and tumble head-first into the whale-belly of scoring an E. You can never tell with the dress code here. The old-age plaid shirt giveaway for instance does not apply on our streets. Lesbians have mastered the art of camouflaging in the crowds. Yours truly included.  Stereotypes or no stereotypes, gaydar is your best friend. I will be speaking for many lesbian women when I say that sometime you just want to hug a random beautiful woman on the streets, in a matatu..she look so divine, she looks like a lesbian, oh God you just wanna kiss her.

Gaydar entails confidence. It entails learning how to hold a stare; it also entails having a third eye. It is all about having killer conversation starters, and keeping the conversation going. If you are homosexually stunted, you will need to be laid hands on. There is no way you will survive in this hot and dry season in Kenya if you are the type to wait for a gay angel to rise from hell and cure your dry spell. Forget about snuggling in cold winter, there is something in this hot February sun that turns on all your horny hormones. I happen to know because I am speaking for myself. Pick cues from everything and everybody in her life. Compliment her and study her body language. There must be something there. Also, lesbians are generally friendly people. Take this to your advantage and study her keenly. You know, I am just giving you my two cents worth, this ain’t the gospel yo. Somebody needs to explain to me in writing how you spot a lesbian say 500 metres away and all your gaydar bells goes off. I mean, there are effeminate men for instance who can get you all so confused. But they happen to be as straight as a round-about. Same case applies to our tomboys and butch sisters. I think it is constitutionally wrong to judge people’s sexuality by their dress code.

So where to from here?

I suggest you work with intuition. It is pretty much the straight twin sister to gaydar. If it feels right, then it is right.

 

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About Audrey Mbugua and some mis-informed Kenyans on Twitter.

Some Kenyans on Twitter (#kots) will hurl abuses at people they don’t know because they are richer than them, more beautiful, handsome, drive nice cars, live in good neighborhoods, and especially because they are women.

These personalities have self-defeating feelings of inadequacy, inferiority issues and live in severe state of depression, and the blame-it-on-somebody-else-syndrome acquires them some sort of short-lived fame, then their gold-fish memory will find some other person to release this negative energy to. And the vicious circle continues.

That is neither here nor there. I don’t pay any attention to bored people. The boredom in my life is a task by itself.   

Until the matter in hand is that one that hits closer home; then all alarms in my head goes off.

Yesterday was what the media refers to as ‘the drama in court day’. First of all, I need a better explanation of the word drama because I fail to understand how you can put the name Audrey Mbugua and drama in the same sentence.

You see, Audrey Mbugua is a transgender woman who had a sex change, from male to female. She has taken the Kenya National Examination Council to court because they have refused to change her earlier name as a male, Andrew, to Audrey-her now female name, in her school certificates.

And that is what brought the social media and local TV stations into a standstill. Gender and name change.

Two things I have a right to do if I so wished because it is my fucking body and name! Now where is the drama in that?

Lah-Fucking-Duh! You cannot even blow your nose in this country without batting an eyelid. Apparently, citizens of zero importance in your life have taken it upon themselves to teach you which angle to use while sleeping in your own freaking bed. You are not Kenyan enough if you don’t drive a fast Subaru.

I saw Audrey being interviewed some time back about her sex change, gender identity disorders and being a transgender woman. She articulated the issues so well and I realized that the public has a lot to learn when it comes to understanding issues relating to transgender people.


She is a beautiful woman with a beautiful personality. I liked her so much when I saw her on TV.

Many people, out of sheer ignorance associate transgender individuals with homosexuality, which are two different entities. Changing her sex to that of a female does not make Audrey a lesbian, nor does it make her gay. It is a sex change, period. Who she sleeps with or whether she has male/female genitalia is none of your business.

Having people ask how she have sex makes my head want to pop. I mean, what does it have to do with the air you breathe?

There are some sensitive matters and then some. Just put yourself in Audrey’s shoes for one minute. I dare you to walk in them just for a day.

It is a heroic effort being on national television discussing issues that are considered ‘un- African’. She is a human activist and she is educating people that look, I don’t care how many cameras you zoom in my face but I gotta say what I gotta say!

Imagine the hassles you grow through in a government office trying to acquire one document. Now multiply that in ten folds. Pressing people day in day out to align your birth documents because just like the rest of us, you want to rightfully gain employment.

Imagine sitting at home jobless with your school papers because some laws treat you like a second class citizen and you don’t ‘exist’ anywhere in their set of ‘employable’ citizens.

Words can be thrown in casually, bandied out easily, but give it a thought on the depth they are felt with by her and others who are facing the same predicament. Especially when it is something they have absolute no control over.

Kids born with both male and female reproductive organs are never discussed in the society. Most parents will decide which gender to give the kid, dress him/her as such and the poor kid is left at the mercies of this crude world. How the kid discovers that he/she is different from the rest of us is mostly upon them and their God.

But Audrey is out here, trying to give a voice to the many in our midst, and the best some Neanderthals can do is call her names. Maybe she won’t show it because she has developed a cold ear but in the end, it is unfair and wrong. People need to think twice before rudely dismissing off others.

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Audrey Mbugua is my hero. She is fighting for her rights because she is a Kenyan citizen, rights many of us wouldn’t dare fight for because we have been gagged by society and corridors of power. Rights she rightfully deserves but which she is forced to work up a sweat to get.  She really is a brave young woman.

I sincerely hope that this state can be empathetic to the Transgender community. This state needs to protect their rights and freedom.

As a people, we are all looking for love. I genuinely pray that we find it and learn how to return it to other people. Specifically to people like Audrey Mbugua.

WomanCrush # 1

Saseni girl lovers 🙂

Lots of women make me happy. One of those women is our very own gracious; beautiful, stunning, fuck-a-mazing (is my thirst showing just yet?)

ImageANNE-for-all-things-holy-KIGUTA. You have to pause for five minutes just for the awesomeness of her name to get correctly wired in your brain.

She is a TV anchor and reporter (the cavemen are people too). Ever since she started gracing our 9 o’clock news, my life isn’t mines anymore. The voices of lesbian fantasies in my head have taken over. They are so loud I am afraid the priest will hear them during confession.

ImageRight, so we are all in agreement that lesbians love Kiguta, gay boys love Kiguta, okay for the gay boys I am not sure but I am sure you make a point to stop and watch her kill it dead right there in your living room every night if the opportunity arises.

The Standard Media group should set aside a whole show just for her. Because one hour is not enough and I am talking of thousands of gay girls obsessing over one woman. I can show you a whole list of them.  Hell you guys I am talking of gazillions of lost revenue.

She haunts me (in a good way of course).

I think about her.

I process her to my friends all the time.

I obsess about her.

I quietly stalk her online.

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I dissect her over drinks.

I will never be over her.

I am fucked.

Let me go mourn my misery.