Why you won’t be getting laid anytime soon.

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I am not an expert on dating advice. Writing a queer blog means I have very big shoes to fill, wearing many hats like making sure lesbians get laid and what have you happens to be one of them. Everyone or majority of people loves sex. It is a primal instinct. You aren’t getting some with that girl and you want it as a matter of utmost urgency so here is how you are blowing it, and thoroughly. Rather, I should write words you would understand; why you are a royal pain in the ass in the dating world. Annoying words huh? You aren’t familiar with annoying until you have encountered a woman who types in shorthand. That’s where I am embarking on this annoying habits journey.

I may not word this as memorably and assertively as I’d like to, but please for the love of the crucified Christ, never use shorthand. Even my ten year old nephew does not abbreviate messages. Here’s a setting:

Me: Hey
Her: Hye (yes, there is such a word apparently)
Me: (Rolling eyes) How’s your day?
Her: Jz bumn in de hauz
Me: (Ten minutes later) Okay. That is not a very bad thing I guess..
Her: Nah, tz bd! M bord 2 deth!
Me: (unspecified amount of time later) I am sorry to hear that. Have a nice day.

It is not remotely possible to continue with this conversation, a whole ten minute of my life that I will never get back. That right there is the cream of the top if you ask me. The fucked-upness of them all. Seriously, I could write a novel. Jz=just, bumn=bumming, hauz=house, tz=it is, bd=bad, M=I am, bord=bored, deth=death, (just in case you aren’t familiar with that kind of code). Which over sixteen humanoid makes the deliberate effort of typing like that? The woman in the above setting is ironically bumming in the house but for highly complex reasons, she cannot bring herself to type fully formed words like the grown up she is. There got to be some place you take the time you saved while writing that. Somebody ought to educate me. Or maybe it is something in our food. Is it a childhood issue, like lousy upbringing? Are these the famous kids that weren’t held enough, or the babies nobody picked up? For those of you who are well travelled, is this kind of twaddle found in other countries or is it a Kenyan tragedy? Surely, if you are a victim of this kind of retarded way of communicating, do whatever you got to do to stop. Go back to school if you have to.

Just because you are a lesbian does not mean you look like a walking disaster. This encompasses everything. From the clothes you wear, your hair, how you smell, shoes-it all goes together. You have to make deliberate efforts to take care of yourself. I understand we are living in very hard economic times. The taxes, soaring prices of food, everything is downright expensive. I get that. I am struggling just like everybody else. I also get the bad hair days and the extremely broke days. That’s cool once in a while. But by God, not every day of your life. If you can afford the luxury of indulging in cigarettes and beer every other weekend, you can afford a nice perfume and I clearly don’t have to spell out everything for you. Women like women who look and smell good. It is a universal principle of fashion that majority of women (straight and non-straights) dress for other women. Therefore, we notice these things. We are naturally responsive to these kinds of stuff. Don’t break a bank to look good though. Work on a minimum budget and save up the rest of the money. On that saving up note, I feel compelled to add a note here. There is a group of lesbians that try too hard to impress. We are warmed up nicely with the idea that you have a hundred pair of heels, sneakers, boat shoes, hoodies et al. Which is nice. But please, don’t be that lesbian who hits thirty without a penny under her name. I am just saying that given the option of showing off with expensive clothes, hanging out in expensive clubs and saving some money for rainy days, I’d choose the latter. You can only live off your parent’s money for so long. Plus, we shall label you for that lesbian who donned expensive shoes but is now living off donations. Save and save is all I am saying.

Be intelligent. It doesn’t matter whether you were an all E’s student or all A’s in high school. The kind of intelligence I am talking about here is not school related. However, if you are an ardent follower of the gay scene in the world, you will notice that many queer people are well read. They are ridiculously intelligent. Arts, academics, sports, name it. Chances are, you will end up with one of these people across your table. Honey, do yourself a favor and get some education in your head. The words that come out of your mouth are directly connected to the kind of people you attract in your life. We are endeared to people who know stuff, anything. Be passionate about something, be that woman people phone to get updates on warring countries, or to get your views on the controversial Lupita’s dress. You get the drift. Have your own views on life. You can’t be agreeing on everything people say. It is a major turn off with most people. It doesn’t matter whether you are in the Guinness list of the hottest people on earth or you are the chosen Daughter of Zion. As long as you have a doughnut for a brain, then many people will be blind to your beauty. Or maybe they will be attracted to you for some time and then drop you like the hot stuff you are. I am just saying, know the world around you, sweetheart.

Be independent. Again, no one has invented the word I need to emphasize on this one. It is okay to need help, it is okay to be vulnerable, it is okay to borrow money from people when you get broke and you desperately it. The highest number of citizens in Kenya are unemployed, no means of livelihood whatsoever. I get it. But for christ’s sake don’t be too needy and clingy about it. Borrow money only when you need it, and return it back while at it. There’s very little that puts as much strain on relationships and friendships as the constant habit of borrowing money. You become that woman that people avoids, people will vanish out of your life. You will die alone, you will spend your life thinking you were cursed, the works.

This list is only the half of it. There is enough to wake the dead but being a Monday morning, I know you have other more interesting things to do with your life dear reader. You are free to use these tips, by the way. You know where to send the royalty cheque.

Blessed week.

What endures?

(Title plagiarized from Dust by Yvonne Owour)

I highly recommend the book, by the way. Measureless talent.

There is this lesbian blog I follow and the couple just celebrated their tenth anniversary. It got me thinking. Clearly God show up with the formula for permanent lesbian relationships in some whereas in others, he grins and walks away and it seems the prime candidates are in this country (in the latter). You will need a strong heart, lungs and bones for that ten years stretch. Look around.

By look around, I mean mutually exclusive couples. They don’t cheat lust or flirt with other women or any other conventionally accepted manner of cheating. Which is basically everything including hugging other women. Those emojis you send a girl that is not your girlfriend equates to cheating. In fact, the whole having a phone while in a relationship is a total sham. You know those whatsapp groups? euphemism for breaking up relationships en masse. I am not crazy about them but there is no-way no-how anyone will convince me that things with such impressive following don’t come with encrypted content and the decoding phase is when you first and fast sleep with the queen bee. Like hell, there is always a queen bee. High school never ends.

A large number of lesbians have had heterosexual relationships in their lives. Chances are one woman in a lesbian relationship started as a heterosexual woman. Those who have been in lesbian relationships exclusively are few and far between. This right here is problem numero uno. To put a finer point to it, this is the mother of all problems in lesbian relationships.

I was having a very adult conversation with a woman who has been married to a man and together, they have grown kids. They are now separated because of irreconcilable differences one of those being the good old deal breaker; cheating. Both of them did cheat. A younger (and leaner) woman for the man and a younger (and leaner) woman for the woman. The leaner in bracket was a word used by the woman in question so seems this particular couple is hot about lean people. Anyway, this good woman finally solved the final dilemma that is her sexuality and came to terms with the fact that it rests in between another woman’s legs and boy, she is ‘seriously living the life’ as she puts it. Now, she can finally do what she wants.

That last sentence got my brain frying. She assured me that she didn’t take up this woman as a rebound as she has always been a lesbian (but could never act on it). That’s not what I was crazy about actually, it’s the pernicious belief that could be the death of us all; suddenly it’s okay to hang out with the girls until the wee hours of the morning; suddenly you cannot wake up in the morning and make breakfast for your partner; suddenly you can touch another woman’s hair because it is ‘harmless, honey she is just a girl’. First let me burst that bubble for you. In fact, we better call it a more dangerous word like a hand grenade. I won’t sugarcoat this for you. Here, we work twice as hard.

Why the double standards? What makes you feel less threatened and safer here? For pity’s sake, lesbian partnership aren’t merely for entertainment. Forgive me dear reader for stating the obvious; yes we do have loads of fun here (hell, all we do is party) but unless someone debunk these stereotypes, our relationships shall continue being the joke of this earth is all I am saying.

It is politically correct for me to say that if a woman can afford the luxury of worshiping a man like he is Gautama Buddha himself, then by all means all rules applies here. A relationship is a relationship in any standpoint. But here we complement each other; time is long past when women were servile housewives. Also, the muscularity/subservient myth in lesbian relationships should be broken down for the sham that it is.

I place the blame squarely on ourselves because we expect too much if we begin our relationships on a trial and error method. Tried and true formulas have proved that the insidious expectation of expecting God to show up along the way is expecting a tad too much.

If you’ve read Committed by Elizabeth Gilbert you will understand just how much work the ten-year stretch I talked of call for. Prenuptial agreement in our country might be illegal for us but we can apply the same formula for our relationships. We got to make do with what we have to make it work because we need more archetypes in these relationships. Our relationships should endure.