An open letter to all women lawyers in Kenya

Hey kittens 😀

There is a certain group of women that really fascinates me. The cool girls’ a.k.a no words written on a keyboard can describe them.

Posts about these women are better written under the influence, because I can never find the correct English words to describe them while sober. Somebody call my imaginary waitress for a shot of vodka. As a kid, I used to think that vodka was a country or a state in the USA, I used to say when I grow up I would like to live in vodka. Cool right? Again, terrible schooling.
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Actually, I don’t drink vodka; also I would rather be served by a male bartender. May be I should tell you why because I am all for letting embarrassing moments known by the whole world.

On my eighteenth birthday my older siblings thought of introducing me into the adult life, and because they are really creative, drinking ten bottles of beer was their idea of cool. So they took me to this club with really hot skimpily dressed female bartenders and guess what yours truly did? Your guess is right. There was this particular one who kept adjusting her breasts not because they needed adjusting; I guess they were just begging for a lil tlc from my brothers. And attention they got, from me.

I stood up in my drunken stupor and grabbed them titties. A whole twenty seconds of fondling someone’s breasts in a well lit bar. I have lived a miserable life convincing my siblings that I am straight; I would totally pass the polygraph test describing my imaginary prince charming. Ever since, my rational fear of female bartenders has had me scarred for life or to put it simply, I can’t bear the thought of being confronted with such harsh reality again in my life. The reality that I am such a bad, immoral human being. But in my defense, I was a tender eighteen year old full of naivety.

Anyway, back to the point. You know those girls in high school who always aced everything? They had a way of bullying the entire school with the amount of genius they exuded from their brain. The entire school would worship the ground they walked on.

They grew up to be something else. They now intimidate people in the society day in day out. I am talking about the legal practitioners. The likes of Njoki Ndungu ,Kethi Kilonzo, Martha Karua, Betty Murungi et al. Judicial pressure is something so profound to me.

I look at these women in awe. I can delve further into the details here and say the level at which they turn me on is alarmingly high.
La-dee-fuckin’-da! Everyone is turned on by lawyers. Look at the way Dan Ndambuki interviewed Kethi on Churchill live. He was looking at her oh so lustfully and undressing her in his head cloth by cloth. Ain’t no shame in that game. Kethi Kilonzo

Side note: I love Churchill show live the end, all his haters go suck dick.

It’s the way they are so intelligent, they know everything under the planet. They are the type that looks you straight into your eyes and unearth all your secrets. They bully us with their words; they make me melt into inferiority, fuck it I will be goddamned if I so happened to not cry myself to sleep everyday wondering what a sorry excuse of a human being I am.

I like watching legal drama movies. I find court thingies (I don’t understand court lingo duuh) freaking exciting.

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And so I will write an open love letter to you,

I am I insane? Do you think I should relocate to Chalbi desert and die in my misery?

If I go scream my lungs out today, to the animal kingdom of the plains of Masai Mara declaring my love for you, would you think I belong in a mental institution?

Do you realize?

That I would drink your bath water

That I would rub massage oil on your feet for eternity

That I have wet dreams like boys do and they revolve around you

That I don’t want to have sex with you and those are just false rumours spread by people who want to ruin my good blogging life

That in fact I wouldn’t mind the sex if it was to be found within your borders

That my brain is my biggest flaw and the fact that it is constantly on, it might lead me into the court corridors because I wrote your name in a queer blog

Being honest about my feelings is a dagger I throw that will eventually turn back and stab my heart and that you would be the cause of said death

That your thoughts consume me so much I go to bed with a heavy heart everyday

That the sun sets just for you and I would love to spend one of those sunny days baking in the said sun with you
Now you do realize.

And so I will turn my brain off and tomorrow I will emerge hopeful. Because it is the only way to be. Even when thinking is bad for my health.

Again, a girl can dream.

Peace and love.
jhtn94l

PS: Hey people who love me and adore me (haha! I am a funny woman), I am taking a short hiatus, probably a month. I hate it but I will be back. It’s not you dear groupies, it is me!
Miss me 😦

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Holy Shitballs! Homophobes!!!

Hey kittens 😀

There is this certain god fearing humanoid that sent me an email recently. Mr. Man wanted to know who gave birth to me because I am such a disgrace to the society. Sinful, wrath of God, lightening, Sodom and Gomorrah, just to name a few were some of the words used in that email. In case like me, English is not your first language and you need more clarification, I am talking about the homophobes. You know those peeps that hate the gay people oh so much they would chop off your balls and hang them in their study rooms? Yep.

Actually they would rather milk your balls dry and leave you to go to hell. Nothing says Satan faster than a homophobe on a suicidal mission.

Necessary side note: balls are those sensitive babies. Keep them under warm temperatures in this cold season. That is for the men wearing those teenie weenie shorts dimwit.

I must clarify here that I know all this stuff about balls because I have brothers, as in real life siblings of the male sex who teach me these stuff. Not like they let me touch them or anything. People in my family tree are creeps and we talk about all manner of stuff, like fapping, boobies and writing anonymous blogs. I would burn my wigs (all fifty of them) if I discovered that someone else in my family owns some anonymous blog though!

Coming to think of it, maybe that brother of mine who kill mosquitoes and skin them is a serial killer blogger. Or a Jehovah witness follower. Holy lamb! I prefer the latter. I wouldn’t mind his company in hell.

I preferred to answer Mr. Man here. Because I know he will be back and to answer all future others like him. Free internet will be the death of the cradle of mankind. Forget Viagra and Vagina tightening pills.

So here goes:

First things first yo Mr. Man, why were you reading this blog? What search words led you to a queer blog? I am totally amused because you can only find this blog if you are looking for adult content. Explain to me like a small child because, shouldn’t you be reciting your songs of Solomon?

Another necessary side note: my next post will be about lesbian sex. That content will be explicit, and that’s a cue to close this tab if you are a minor.

So if you are still with me Mr. Man, I have heard Sodom and Gomorrah and homosexual thunderstorms and lightening like a gazillion times. Be a little creative with your words next time you are attacking me. Use words like strap-on or double dongs. Those things aren’t cheap and who knows, maybe next time I am in an adult shop I might marry the male cashier and buy wedding rings instead.

Thirdly, you mentioned that I just hate men in general and given a chance you would show me what a real man is made of. Now this is where you totally got my attention. What is the meaning of that statement exactly? No, don’t you dare reply. Because I know without a single shade of doubt you are a rapist or something worse.  

Do you know how many lesbians are raped day in day out because of fucktards like you who have childhood issues and are for lack of a better place, the right permanent hell occupants? Dude, Satan would reject your ass.

I don’t owe you any explanation but guess what? Almost all my close friends are men. As in, people with penis between their legs. Mature responsible dudes. Men are cool.

Soft boobies cool.

Seriously, I would bang my head on the floor to death if I was to live one day with a world full of women.

You guise, women are awesome. Just try handling a thousand of them at the same time. You will die man. Ask the doctors, some things in life work perfectly under the right dosage.

Men do good stuff to me, except my woman anatomy regions. I feel nothing there. Nada. Zero. Naetsing! You get it Mr. Man? It is the sole reason I am a lesbian dude. Because when it is going down, it goes down with ‘em girls. And best believe, they are so good at it. I am not here to explain to you what goes where or who sleeps where. The least you know the better.  

So Mr. Man, I hope you read this, once you do, go climb the Everest alone and dislocate all your limbs while at it because trust me, next time it will be awful. I mean coming after your ass with vengeance together with an army of angry lesbians. Yep. That is a threat.

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from thejigglybits.com

The only thing you said that came close to being true is about me going to hell. Wait, aren’t we all?

I could go on and on. But I am tired and I have other better things to do tonight too (who said I have no life). Today I am celebrating my fifth President, Uhuru Muigai Kenyatta. That’s right. That also confirms one other thing; remember that post I made about Margaret Kenyatta? She is now the First Lady of Kenya bitches. No fucks
will be given tonight.

Contact me for a round of free drinks 😀

 

 

This is not a real post

Hey byotches 😀

I hate doing exams. Reading for exams. Exam rooms. Basically I hate school.

In my defense, I was never a bright kid. Not that I am bright now. I am scarred for life. It takes me a whole hour to cram one page of accounting school work. I can’t balance a simple balance sheet to save my ass.

In simple words, I am depressed. You guise, my world is crumbling.

I promised myself that I will be updating this blog at least once per week because I hate reading blogs that gets updated after like four months. What happened to you blog owner? Did the Christmas turkey swallow you or why is your last update in December?   

I have exams coming and I am freaking out because I haven’t completed a school project that I was to hand over like a month ago. The books have been fucking me in all the wrong places. Sad. My sex life is non-existent.

People get depressed because their cars are dirty or their iPhone got stolen, big stuff. You see, I live in Africa and here, we don’t care about cars and iPhones. We worry about other problems. Like exams, Malaria and tsetse flies, see? Mammoth stuff.

In retrospect, there is this guy, a white guy I once knew, who told me that he thought Africans live on human flesh and we are always in permanent war zones or something like that.  Dude, your camel toe is showing. I mean, shut up for fucks sake! I have nothing against white people but there are some ignorant motherfuckers who need to step out of their bathrooms.

I cannot make up for better shit to talk about so let me talk about the white ignorant folks. Emphasis is on ignorant, lest word press peeps shut down my lame blog.

M-kay.

You live in a first world country. Superpower, aid, sanctions et al are some of the favorite words in your dictionary. I get it. And it’s cool because I live in a third world country and I love the clothes you shove in your dustbin because my ass loves them.

That should make you happy because I will save the animal skins and export them to you so you can make designer leather shoes.  

Wait, how did I get to know all this stuff about you? Because my black brain actually grasped something in ‘em high school history classes. So maybe you aren’t that bright after all. As in, companies like Google and Yahoo have offices in your hoods and you can’t understand that first of all, Africa is not a country. It is a freaking continent.

Bites cactus.

Yeah. We eat that too.

What kind of an ass clown think that all we do is multiply and die. You invented the English language. Namaste. But I have a thing called culture and I have other gazillion languages to learn so I don’t care much about the queen’s language. The little I’ve got is enough for me to ace my job interviews.

Our slave trade heroes did not die for that crap. Wait, you even colonized our asses. How bad can this BS go?

I am not blowing this out of proportion. And in case I am, you can always download that hit the road Jack song. Put it on replay while at it.

Bottom line. In fact, there is none.

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I have more worrying problems.

Like wondering why this certain guy is sending me his dick pictures on whatsapp. Is it like a growing trend or I am I the only one who think that dicks images are naturally unsettling?

I am just a lesbian. My bad.

Happy weekend y’all.